Film Junk » Retro Game Review

Castlevania (NES)

Chian — Wed, 07 Aug 2002 05:00:00 +0000

Castlevania (NES) They don’t make games like they used to anymore, and if you haven’t heard of Castlevania before, I don’t think I can be your friend anymore. This 2d side-scoller has everything including monsters called Humpers (don’t ask). The premise is simple, you are Vampire Hunter Simon Belmont and you must go mess up the evil Dracula with your trusty whip, before he can kill again. The graphics at the time were pretty impressive; I’m talking all 8-bits of it. You not only get to mess up Dracula but also whole slew of bad asses like Frankenstein and Medusa. What can I say? Do I really need to tell you peeps how good it is? I mean if it was crap, why is Konami still making games off of the original franchise? Be warned though, its very HARD, I’m not talking about my masculinity either. It took me 14 years to beat that SOB Dracula but it was worth it seeing that bitch on ice. I’ll make you a deal. If you go play it then I’ll be your friend. -- Chian

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Virtual Bart (Sega Genesis)

Goon — Wed, 15 Aug 2001 05:00:00 +0000

Virtual Bart (Sega Genesis) Developed by: Akklaim I miss my Sega Genesis. It died an untimely deathduring my first year of college. The wires connectingit to the TV broke, and I never bothered trying toreplace them. My Genesis library wasn't all that bigto begin with, there was Street Fighter II and MortalKombat II and a WWF game or two, but thats about it. Iwas ready to move on to Playstation and leave Segabehind. Well, I thought I was. A few years later and I missmy Sega Genesis, if only for one reason: Virtual Bart. I will make it known that of all the Simpsons gamesever released on a home system, Virtual Bart is myfavorite. It is also the only one I have ever beat.But then again, the other ones were on NES, and thatsystem as mentioned died before I could finish withthose games. There are two options to the game - play mode andpractice area. I'm glad theres a practice area, andsoon you will know why. The story of the game is that Bart has wandered intoMartin Prince's virtual reality machine while at theschool science fair. He became trapped in themachine, and has to complete the 6 different worlds ofthe machine or else he will be trapped in those worldsforever. THE 6 WORLDS: In Dinosaur Bart, you are a bartosauraus, and in aplatform game, you travel across a prehistoriclandscape, encountering stone age versions of Homer,Barney, Mr. Burns and others. Its very easy to falloff the platforms, and fighting the final bosses isdifficult because of this reason.. the game doesntrequire as much strategy as it does control... its abasic jump-on-top-of-the-bad-guy-and-he-dies game. Baby Bart is a side scroller and is much moredifficult, you must strategically swing on trees,bounce off objects and avoid deadly obstacles such asjumping dogs and such. if you hit the ground, you'reoutta there. Post-Apocalyptic Bart is a racing game of sorts,though you're not racing against anyone really...you're traveling and trying to dodge rocks andoncoming traffic (Otto's bus) as well as get thecorn-dog power ups you can find all over the game. Waterslide Bart sees you at Mount Splashmore, tryingto get to the bottom of the waterslide, go the wrongway and you'll meet your maker at the bottom of theSpringfield gorge, go the right way, and give Sherriand Terri a bath. Pig Bart is another platform game that requiresstrategy. You have to pull levers, time your jumps andfind objects to advance through the game. This game isquite hard because the controls fight you as you are,in fact, running as a pig would. Picture Day Bart sees you outside the school makingtarget practice with the other kids. You must throwtomatoes or eggs at the other students to avoidpicture day. But don't hit the teachers, unless ofcourse, Skinner is bending over, then go right ahead. This game was and I'm sure still is incrediblyaddictive and very challenging. Since its an Akklaimgame, you can bet there are its flaws (not much forsound, and although the graphics fit the cartoon, theycould have been better). The animated endings to theworlds are quite entertaining, but I was a bit letdown with what happens when you beat the whole game.The fun from playing however, makes up for it.

Overall, Virtual Bart is a vital piece of anyonekeeping a collection of Simpsons games, and a greatgame in general. If you still have your Genesis, lookfor it. -- The Pretentious Goon

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Dusty Diamond’s All-Star Softball (NES)

Sean — Thu, 22 Feb 2001 05:00:00 +0000

Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball (NES) Developed by: Broderbund Don't quote me on this, but I think the Nintendo Entertainment System probably had more baseball games produced for it than any other video game system. Each one took a slightly different approach, and each one had its own share of weird quirks. But the baseball game that had, by far, the most weird quirks, was definitely Dusty Diamond's All-star Baseball. Looking at the game's box artwork, one may be lead to believe that this is just a straightforward, fairly realistic style baseball game with little in the way of bells or whistles. This couldn't be farther from the truth my friends. First of all, Dusty Diamond's All-star Baseball was not a realistic baseball game intended to simulate the major leagues. Rather, it is intended to recreate the experience of having a neighbourhood pick up game. You get to choose from 5 different fields, including a school, a park, and a cliff. Each field has its own unique rules. For instance, at the school, if you break a window, you are automatically out. At the cliff, if the ball goes rolls under the fence it is considered a ground rule double. The next step is what really makes this game so much fun though. You get to choose your team from a roster of 60 kids. Now, this is where the game gets really weird. Many of the kids living in this neighbourhood are simply not normal. Let me introduce you to some of the more bizarre players:

	Diablo One of the heavy hitters in the game. Yes, he bares more than a passing resemblance to Lucifer aka The Prince of Darkness. He also clubs the ball with a large spiked bat.
	Zelda I assume she is supposed to be a witch of some sort, and she uses what appears to be a broom when she's at the plate.
	Sid Punks not dead! Before Sid Vicious was a heroin addict, he was chubby and a pretty average neighbourhood ball player.
	Fuji Bo Jackson played baseball and football.. Fuji is a sumo wrestler that plays baseball in the off season. This guy will run over anyone on the base paths who is dumb enough to get in his way.
	Artie As if the other kids weren't weird enough, this kid wears a hard hat and swings a pick axe. WTF?
	Johnny Well, Johnny just looks like he's a caveman or something...

There were many other weird characters, such as a guy named Froggy, who hops when he runs the bases, and a guy named Babe who looks a lot like Babe Ruth. Anyways, once you have your line-up selected, you get to choose your team name. The available team names are totally wacked. There is a team name for each letter of the alphabet, and they sound like something a 5 year old kid made up. Your choices range from The Dorks to .. The Ukers?? And I guess the couldn't think of anything for the letter E, so it's just the E-team. All in all, the graphics in Dusty Diamond were pretty cheesy. Especially when it shows the overhead view of the entire field. A lot of the players faces look messed up too. The actual gameplay is fairly standard. It's all easy to control, but there is a lot of added fun that comes from the different skills that each player has. Some of the kids can levitate off the ground when they are fielding. Some of the batters are really really fast and can often score an in the park homerun before you even touch the ball in the outfield. Some players are really good pitchers, and do crazy whirlwind wind ups before delivering the pitches. This is one of those games that easily became a cult classic. Apparently there are some people out there who were absolutely obsessed with this game. I have found a few other web shrines that attest to this. But the reason why this game was so compelling was because of the different characters and their unique traits. People who played this game spent endless amounts of time examining the strengths and weaknesses of each player as they attempted to find their "dream team", and then to assign the perfect fielding positions and batting order to the team. On top of this there are lots of cute little details, such as the crying faces the players have when they get thrown out while running the bases. Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball has real lasting power. You don't find too many games of this calibre anymore. It has stood the test of time, and even today can provide hours and hours of amusement. If you never had the pleasure of playing it, well.. then you just don't know what you're missing. -- Sean

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River City Ransom (NES)

Sean — Tue, 29 Aug 2000 05:00:00 +0000

River City Ransom (NES) Developed by: American Technos Inc. This was one of my favourite games for the NES.It was somewhat unique because it combined arcade fighting style games like Double Dragon with some elements of the RPG genre. It's your basic street brawl setting, but throughout the game you interact with characters and stock up on items to help you along the way. Granted, the character interaction is pretty limited, and the items don't do much more than help you regain your strength. However, your character has attributes that increase as you gain experience, such as Stamina, Defense, Will Power, and Strength. This is something that hadn't really been done before with a fighting game. The storyline behind the game is predictable but fun. Alex and Ryan are straight A students, and the one day they decide to cut class, some jackass named Slick took over their high school and kidnapped Ryan's girlfriend, Cyndi. So obviously the next step is to head over to River City High School, and attempt to rescue Ryan's chick. Unfortunately, River City is overrun by many gangs, all of whom answer to Slick. To get to River City High, you will first have to defeat these various gangs and their leaders along the way. Fortunately for you, most of the gangs aren't all that tough. They're just poseurs with hip names like The Home Boys and The Frat Guys. (Except for that gang of foreign exchange students called The Internationals. Those guys are tough, and they speak English surprisingly well...) Each of the gangs are supposed to have different "personalities" and fighting proficiencies, and supposedly certain gangs have grudges against either Alex or Ryan. To be honest I never really noticed much of a difference in the gang behaviour, although certain gangs seem more likely to run away from you than others. The only thing that really changes from gang to gang is the colour of their clothes and the various witty phrases they spout off, depending on whether or not they are getting their asses kicked. Some of the cooler trash talking phrases include "How 'bout this?" and "Biff!". Personally I always wished Alex and Ryan would do some trash talking of their own during the game, but I guess we all know that heroes aren't cocky. At least they weren't back in the 80's. The characters in this game were cute and lovable, even though they were supposed to be bad ass thugs and ruffians. The artwork and animation was very cartoony in that Japanese style.There were about 5 or 6 different character templates, and each gang would consist of some combination of these characters, just wearing different coloured shirts and with different names.(American Technos later used the exact same character design and controls for Super Dodgeball, another excellent game.) There are little details in this game that set itself apart from all the other fighting games out there. For one, they attempted to make every character in the game a unique individual. There are no hordes of nameless thugs in River City Ransom, no sir. Sure they may all look pretty much the same, but the creators of the game spent a lot of time picking out a different name for each of them. I really liked this game because of the fact that it actually felt like you were in a real city. Unlike most side-scroller fighting games, you could go back to areas you had visited, and at some points in the game, you actually HAVE to go back to these other areas in order to beat some of the bosses. Of course, perhaps the coolest things about this game was the shopping malls which you come across throughout your trek across the city. In each of the malls there are various stores and restaurants where you can buy food and vitamins to replenish your energy and increase your strength. There is plenty of variety in food; River City has everything from Chinese food to Sushi to Fast Food to French Cuisine. My favourite was always Merv's Burger Joint, where you get service with a smile. The shopping malls were cool cause you could even buy strange items like CDs and toys, which, believe it or not, actually increase some of your player's attributes. Who would have thought that a Soul music cd could increase one's agility? Buying useless items is always worthwhile for the endearing remarks that the game makes when they are used. For instance, when you use a cd, "hot tunes fill the air", or when you buy a teddy bear, Alex hugs it when no one is looking. How cute! The Burb Village also offers nice relaxing saunas to our heroes, which is always memorable because you get to see Alex and Ryan's butts. So where do you get the money to pay for all this stuff? Well, after wiping the floor with a bunch of strung out gang members, Alex and Ryan always remember to steal their money too. I think the shopkeepers must have been pissed off that Alex and Ryan always paid with handfuls of coins, seeing as that's all the defeated gang members ever seem to have on them. Another aspect of RCR's realism is the variety of weapons that are available in the game, and how they all react with other objects in the game. If you have a tire, and you throw it at someone, it rolls along the ground for a while, before losing momentum and falling on its side. While it is rolling, someone can actually jump up on the tire and ride it as it moves. Also you can kick boxes, garbage cans and other objects so that they slide across the floor. If someone throws a rock at you, you can use a bat or a chain to hit the rock back at the person who threw it. Sometimes when playing a two player game we would set up Alex and Ryan "baseball" games. That got boring really fast, but still, the realism of the game always intrigued me. I think this is why the game had so much replay value to it. Even after I beat the game, it still remained fun to play. You could be as creative as you wanted because the fighting techniques were so unlimited when compared with the basic punch and kick button tapping games that were common at this time. It was especially fun to play with two players. In River City Ransom, you can accidentally hit your partner, so sometimes you just get pissed off at each other and Alex and Ryan start duking it out between themselves. If RCR has a weakness it is probably in the fact that it is a little too easy. If you play long enough and build up a bit of money, you can purchase certain books that teach you some killer techniques, such as Stone Hands, which teaches you punch really fast, or the aptly titled Javelin Man, which allows you to use a fallen enemy as a deadly weapon against his friends. Once you have special skills such as these in your repertoire, you are pretty much unstoppable. Easy games can be kind of disappointing, but on the other hand, they are accessible to a wider variety of gamers, so I guess that's a good thing. This game had a unique style all on its own. The realism, and excellent play controls, and the fun little inside jokes make this game tops in my book. Did I mention that the music ruled?River City Ransom was loads of fun and for me it was definitely one of the most memorable games from the 8 bit NES days. I think they made a sequel to the game in Japan, but I don't know if it ever made its way to North America. If you've never played this game, I highly recommend downloading an emulator and finding a copy of the ROM because this is a classic in every sense of the word. -- Sean

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Agent USA (Commodore 64)

Sean — Thu, 29 Jun 2000 05:00:00 +0000

Agent U.S.A. (Commodore 64) Agent USA is very simplistic game for the Commodore 64 that had a somewhat bizarre idea behind it. You are a secret agent, and your job is to track down and eliminate something known as the "FuzzBomb". You travel across the U.S., moving from city to city as you attempt to locate the area that the FuzzBomb has infected.I'm not exactly sure what the FuzzBomb is, but it infects innocent people and turns them into mindless "zombies", where they are unable to control their own movements and simply wander around aimlessly, infecting other people that they touch. Your only weapon against the FuzzBomb and people who have been "fuzzed", are magical "diamonds". When someone who has been fuzzed comes into contact with one of the diamonds, they revert back to their normal selves. You start off with 10 diamonds, and you can grow more by simply dropping them on the ground and letting them multiply. However, other civilians will try to steal your diamonds if you leave them out in the open so you have to be careful. The characters in this game are simply big ass cowboy hats with little legs coming out from underneath them. The civilians all have black hats, whereas you have a white hat. You travel between the cities by train. You have to go to a ticket booth to buy tickets (or you can hop on a train at the last second). Some of the bigger cities have express trains. I love travelling between cities on the train because the music is so damn catchy. One cool thing about this game is that it's kind of educational. It helps to teach you a bit of geography because you learn where various different U.S. cities are located on the map, and you learn which cities are the state capitals! Bonus! I don't think I ever beat the game when I was younger, and I still haven't been able to beat it yet. It's actually pretty difficult, because if you get touched by someone who has been fuzzed, your diamond count gets depleted. If you have zero diamonds and you get touched, you actually get fuzzed yourself. The strange thing is, the game doesn't end there. You simply lose all control of your character, and you have to sit back and watch him wander aimlessly from city to city like all of the other civilians. If you wait long enough, you may actually gain control of your character because some of the civilians carry diamonds as well. I never really thought much about this game when I was younger, but now that I look back at it, it's pretty weird. You really gotta wonder where people come up with these ideas sometimes. Anyways, it's certainly not the best game ever made, but it has a lot of small details built into it that kept me playing for hours. Back in the day that is. -- Sean

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Lazy Jones (Commodore 64)

Sean — Wed, 26 Apr 2000 05:00:00 +0000

Lazy Jones (Commodore 64) Developed By:David Whittaker You gotta love the Commodore 64. I think it has my vote for the best "video game system" of all time, and the reason is because of games like this. It didn't take a huge video game company to produce a game for the C64, in fact, one person could make a game if they had a bit of technical know-how and an interesting idea. Actually, even if you didn't have an interesting idea you could make a game, and it might even turn out to be really fun. This was one of the cool things about the Commodore 64, it allowed people to experiment and to be creative, and it resulted in games like Lazy Jones. Lazy Jones is a very simple game that doesn't really have a point to it. It's bizarre, it's addictive, and I don't really know where it came from, but it's just fun! You are this strange little guy with a big nose (I assume you play the role of Lazy Jones himself) and you walk around a hotel. Your goal (if you can call it one) is to avoid the strange people (and carts) roaming the halls and go into each room of the hotel. Inside each room is a different arcade game that you play for a short period of time. The arcade games are all really simple; some of them are ripoffs of real arcade games such as Space Invaders, while others are just plain bizarre, such as "The Turk" where you have to shoot a fork into turkeys as they come down a conveyor belt before they fall into a garbage can at the end, and you also have to avoid having your fork hit by a clock that is bouncing around the screen. There are also a few rooms in the hotel that don't contain arcade games, instead they are a broom closet, a bathroom, and a bedroom. These rooms have no point to them. You walk into them, and then walk out again, except for the bedroom where you lie down and sleep for a minute and have a "Lazy Nightmare". Weird stuff!!

Grab yourself a Commodore 64 emulator and check out this game immediately. I highly recommend it. You can have competitions with your friends to see who can get the highest scores on each of the games, and while you're doing it you can laugh at how absolutely pointless and stupid this game is! -- Sean

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