Doom 3 (PC)
Developed by: id Software
Published by: Activision

Doom 3 is 4 years in the making and one of the most anticipated games to date. Now that it’s finally out, was it worth the wait? Or did the hype kill it?

Research teams have been conducting secret experiments up on the planet Mars. When experiments go wrong, they accidentally open a gateway into HELL. Demonic creatures and other minions of hell’s army begin entering the real world, slowly infesting their base…….scary shit eh?

Although you’ll be mostly in the cover of darkness through out the game. Graphically, Doom 3 has one of the best graphics you’ll see too date in a videogame. The dark lurking shadows and the real time dynamic lights all help in creating this dark freaky atmosphere. You’ll see blood splattered walls, severed body parts and lots of small claustrophobic corridors. There are dark corners that you’ll want to shine the flashlight on because most of the time something is ready to eat your brains, among other things. When that happens, just pull out your shotgun up close and blast away your enemies as you watch his flesh separate from the bones in violent gory passion…………..I’m sorry I think I need help.

Ambient sounds can be the scariest, because even hisses and crackles will tend to make you jump. Throughout the game you’ll hear things banging on walls, faint screams, wailing steam pipes and strange voices in your head, etc. It’s best to crank up the sound for the full effect. Pretty much the only music you hear is in the intro, which was done by one of the dudes from Nine Inch Nails……no it wasn’t Trent even though he was originally supposed to do it. That’s ok because a game like this doesn’t need music.

The overall gameplay in Doom 3 is basically the same as in the other Doom games. It’s that straightforward 1st person shooter, run down corridors, point and shoot whatever shit is moving. After a while this gets pretty boring and outdated I must say, but it’s a game anyone can pick up because there really isn’t a learning curve to absorb. Along the way you must find and download other people’s PDA files and email to find out key combinations and other hints. At one point you have to log on to a website to retrieve a code to open up a locker for a few items. As far as weapons go, you’ll find the usual set of weapons; shotgun, machine gun, plasma gun, chainsaw, chaingun, your fists, pistol, grenades, rocket launcher and the gun of all guns the BFG, which stands for BIG FUCKEN GUN! The guns are cool but it kind of sucks considering they only have a primary firing action.

Multiplayer in the game is also a disappointment. Once again there is nothing new, just the typical deathmatch, capture the flag, along with a few other modes — basically just twitch game play. I guess if you’re into games like Quake 3 you’ll enjoy it on a much higher level.

I really can’t see myself playing through the single player mode again, maybe a few rounds of multiplayer here and there but that’s it. Basically Doom 3 is eye candy with boring, outdated gameplay. It’s worth a play through or at least until you get bored but at this point it’s not really worth the amount of money they are charging for it. I just hope the next installment won’t be identical, or else we are all “doomed”.

8.2 out of 10 on my ASS kick meter.

– Chian

Transformers Armada (PS2)
Developed by: Melbourne House
Published by: Atari

I’m so sick of playing crappy Transformers games and it’s about friggin time they made a good one. Well I think it’s safe to say Transformers Armada is the best one to date.

As the story goes, this race of Transformers called the Mini-cons have been lost for millions of years now, and all of the sudden they show up on Earth. Now it’s your job to harvest them before the Megatron and his punk ass goons get to them first. Once you find some Mini-cons, you can equip them to enhance your powers.

This game is a 3rd person shooter/vehicular, driving, flying/1st person game. When you transform into vehicle mode the controls are similar to any driving game on PS2. The 1st person mode is optional, but I find that this mode is the best. As far as transforming goes, there isn’t really a point to it that I’ve found, but you’ll want to do it just because it’s cool and you can. The game can get repetitive, but you get large non-linear levels to explore for secrets and other goodies.

Transformers Armada looks very impressive and you can tell it is pushing the limits of the PS2 to the max. The first thing you’ll notice in the game are the crazy ass graphics that it sports. There are nicely detailed, lush environments, and nicely modeled NPCs and players. However it does suffer from slow frame rates at some points, especially when there are a million guys on screen wanting to make you into a can opener… or even someone’s bitch.

The word “Transformers” is enough for many of us to deposit stuff in our pants… out of sheer excitement of course. Just don’t expect anything sophisticated in this game, and be prepared to lock and load because “Megatron must be stopped no matter the cost”.

7.8 on my ass kick meter — Chian

The Cure – s/t
(Geffen)

Is Robert Smith running so dry on ideas he can’t even think of a title for this album? After four billion albums and 4 billion break ups, The Cure is back with another record to put in their library.

Basically it’s the same old Cure, you won’t hear anything new, just the same stuff rinsed, washed and repeated. The melodic reverberated guitars, the crazy hair, and the quirky wailing voice of Robert Smith. This is okay for some but after 5 million albums, for me it’s growing tiresome.

In general it doesn’t feel like a full album, but more like a mixed tape you’d make for Uncle Herby and his fat goth buddies. There are a few enjoyable tracks but nothing really stands out. They are enjoyable, but not enough to pick up the CD case and find out what the songs are called. Besides the current single “The End Of The World”, some of the tunes are really generic and bland. Take away the singing and just listen to the music and you’ll have a hard time knowing it was The Cure.

Being a big fan myself, I wanted to like this album on a much greater level but I was only left half satisfied. Overall it’s worth the listen once, but the CD will spend more time on the racks than spinning. For all you who are thinking about getting into The Cure, I would suggest starting with other albums. And for all you goths, I hope you don’t slit your wrists cause there will be no cure for that.

6.8 out of 10 on my ass kick meter.

– Chian

Morrissey – You Are The Quarry
(Sanctuary/Attack)

The Moz man is back with his first studio album in 7 years, entitled “You are the Quarry”. With the addition of a new keyboard player, Moz is ready to conquer the charts and do away with generic modern music.

Morrissey’s lyrics have become less whiny and more opinionated on “You are the Quarry”, touching on subjects like the current events in the United States in the opening track, “America Is Not The World”. I guess after 6 years of searching for a good record deal, among other things, Morrissey is a bit more agitated, hence song titles like “The World Is Full Of Crashing Bores” and “All The Lazy Dykes”. But the most important thing is that it feels and sounds like a Morrissey album by the way he makes you to think rather than only listen.

The majority of the songs are fairly upbeat, and will cause many to shake their asses in some cases. Some of the catchier chorus lines will even get stuck into your noggin. There are also a few slow piano ballads, I guess you can call them, but they are very nice to listen to nonetheless.

Some CDs come with a limited edition CD and DVD package. All I have to say is the DVD is the biggest piece of monkey turd I’ve ever seen in my life. It consists of only one video, a photo gallery of about 6 pics, and lyrics… which are already printed in the cd sleeve. I guess if you’re one of the many die hard fans, go ahead and buy the DVD. Just don’t come crying to me about it because I already warned ya.

For all you Moz fans out there, this album is certainly better than a few of his past works (eg. Kill Uncle). For all other people, it’s worth the listen. I must have listened to it over and over without even knowing because the album flows so damn good.

8.5 on my ass kick meter. — Chian

William Hung – Inspiration
(Koch)

For those of who have been hibernating for the past few months, I will give you a short recap of current events. William Hung was one of the thousands of contestant to try out on American Idol. He performed the ever so popular and historic Rickey Martin classic “She Bangs”. If you haven’t seen it yet I suggest you head over to williamhung.net and check it out the original audition clip. I started spraying urine in my pants the first time I saw it. The singing and dancing was way too much for my bladder to handle.

At the audition the judges all laughed at him for being so bad. Hung’s reply was: “I already gave my best, and I have no regrets at all”. Then he added, “And you know, I have no professional train of singing”. Simon (one of the judges) replies with a sarcastic “No!”

Only in America can you do stupid things and achieve world wide fame and fortune. Even though Hung didn’t even pass the audition, he is getting more attention then people who did. Fan sites started appearing and the audio of “SHE BANGS!” was one of the top downloaded tunes on Itunes. He has been on countless shows like E.T, and has done many public performances. There is way too much to go over so I’ll just leave it at that.

Let’s talk about his new album called Inspiration. For those of you who know about William Hung, the album is exactly what you would expect it to be. It is quite comical to listen to, from the choice track listing to his inability to reach certain notes… well, actually, all the notes. Every so often you’ll hear short filler tracks from William giving his words of wisdom, kind of like an Asian version of Dr. Phil at times. It’s funny because the things he says are the same generic things you would hear from after school specials and your parents. Things like “Try your best!”

The track listing includes: She Bangs, I Believe I Can Fly, Hotel California, Rocket Man, Y.M.C.A Featuring The Gonnabees, and Shake Your Bon-Bon (among others). Even though the whole world is laughing, I still give him an “A” for effort! At least he hasn’t checked himself into a mental institute like those other internet stars (eg. The Starwars Kid). If you’re like one of those people who wants to bear William’s children, or just plan tap that fine William Hung ass of his, then get the damn cd. For the rest of you, I would suggest listening at least once just for the laughs… perhaps you’ll spray urine in your pants also.

6.1 out of 10 on my Ass kick meter

– Chian

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (PC)
Developed by: Radical
Published by: VU Games

The Simpsons franchise has been used and abused to death. With products ranging from poorly drawn comic books to cheaply made “don’t have a cow!” shirts that were always oversized and faded on the first wash, Simpsons video games also followed this same formula. Pretty much most of them came out of the same ass they were made… however there are exceptions, like The Simpsons arcade game and now Simpsons Hit and Run.

Strange wasp cameras start to show up in Springfield, and now you must investigate. Homer, Bart, Lisa, Marge, and Apu now must drive around spingfield to get to the bottom of these strange occurrences. The best way to describe this game is Simpsons Theft Auto (Grand Theft Auto)………well sort of. Take away the guns, gangs, blood, and boobs, throw in some Simpsons characters, scenery, cars and that pretty much describes this game. Even though it is a beaten rip off of GTA, the game is still pretty darn fun.

The most amazing thing about this game is the close attention to detail. The hardcore fans of the series will appreciate this much more. Everywhere you go you will find things like signs and famous landmarks and even really obscure things from the show will show up in the game. Things like Knight Boat (the talking boat), right down to boxes of Biclops man comics. It is truly amazing how much they managed to cram in. You can tell the developers are huge fans series themselves. It must have killed them having to do research for the game, watching episode after episode and getting paid to do it.

Simpsons Hit and Run is arguably the best Simpsons game made to date. It’s about time they put the license to good use, even though the TV series is getting crappier and crappier. Hopefully the games will get better and better. For every Simpsons fan this game is a must have.

7.8 on my ass kick meter.

– Chian

Jedi Academy (PC)
Developed by: Raven Software
Published by: Lucasarts

You can basically put the name Star Wars in front of any thing and you know it will sell like mad. I’m thinking about going into business selling Star Wars birth control pills and Star Wars brand hemorrhoid cream (patent pending). I’d be as rich as Lucas himself… Well… not quite. I mean, if they can crank out movies and games left and right, why can’t I sell my cream? BASTARDS!

Please, ignore the previous paragraph; I must have been drunk or something when I wrote it. But, I bet it kept you interested just because I used that magic word Star Wars about 4 times so far. I know that the very sight of that word will give the most impotent nerd a boner that is worthy of hanging jackets on. So with that in mind, I shall use it as much as I can in this so called review, even if it doesn’t make any sense.

“Star Wars” Jedi Academy continues off from Jedi Knight 2. You play as Jaden the young apprentice of Kyle Katan, (the main character in Jedi Knight 2). The game allows you to “Star Wars” customize how Jaden will look. Make him man, alien, female, give him/her different clothes… you get the point. During your training to become a Jedi, you are thrown into missions to investigate this disturbance in the force “Star Wars” that Luke Skywalker keeps on bitching about. You will even get to fight along side that hairy Robin Williams look-a-like, Chewbacca, on one mission. The only downside to fighting with him, are the erotic noises he makes when he gets shot at — or is it a downside? Other characters include Bounty Hunter Boba Fett. I think every “Star Wars” game should have him in it, just because I said so.

The game also allows you to play in first person or third person views. The weapons are plentiful in the game, but the light saber is by far the only one you’ll want to use. It has the ability to block bullets and slash off limbs using various moves. Basically, just swing it around like a maniac if you want and you’re bound to look cool and kill “Star Wars” something at the same time. In comparison Jedi Academy plays basically like Jedi Knight 2 except this time around you can ride, Won Tons (Those hairy ass, horse, goat creature thingy) and Speeder Bikes. The puzzles are easier and there are very few of them to solve. It’s all worth it for those intense scenes of action packed mayhem. The endings are also different depending on the choices you make further on in the game.

I found that it was slow moving at first but overall it was an enjoyable game. “You will buy this game”. ”You will enjoy it”. “I am your master”. “You will give me a backrub”. I just Jedi mind tricked your ass, now go do your master’s bidding.

“STAR WARS.”

8.5 out of 10 on my ass kick meter. — Chian

Tron 2.0 (PC)
Developed by: Monolith Productions
Published by: Buena Vista Games

Hey, all you Computer Geeks out there! You all remember Tron the movie? Well, it’s time to be digitized back into the computer world to CTRL ALT DELETE everyone’s asses. In Tron 2.0 the pc game, Biatch! Now prepare to fight or be derezzed.

Tron 2.0 follows off from where the movie ends. You play as Jet, the son of Alan Bradley, the creator of the orginal Tron program. Jet gets sucked into the computer and must reveal the mystery behind his father’s disappearance. Through out the game you will find emails which hold back story and other plot elements that help drive the quest.

It’s safe to say that this game has managed to capture the look and feel of the movie. Personally I remember very little from the first Tron movie, even though I’ve seen it a million times on the tube. Usually the first thing that comes to mind is the cool looking visuals from within computer world. It’s hard to believe that such interesting concepts and art were produced 2 decades ago. “THE COLOURS MAN”! Who says you need drugs to trip out? Just look at the artwork in this game and you’ll be freakin like a bitch till morning. The animation is the best I’ve seen in a while. It’s very sexy.

The majority of the game is played in first person but you can also play the light cycles modes on certain levels. Think of it as a 3d version of that one game where you move and leave a trail of walls behind and must make your opponent crash into it to win. Just like the movie. Multiplayer modes consist of the Light Cycles and Disk Arena. The object of the game is to throw your disk at your opponent, or throw your disk at the platform removing a section of it making your opponent fall to his death. Yeah I know it sound retarded, but it’s actually one of the best things about this game.

I really can’t see myself going through the single player mode again. At times it felt like a chore, with all those gay ass platform jumping moments. There were puzzles in the game, but they weren’t very challenging to figure out. There really isn’t anything groundbreaking in the game. It’s just a typical first person shooter aimed to capitalize on its nerdy cult following. …………………NEEEEEEERRRRRRRD! 7.9 on my ASS kick meter. — Chian

Postal 2 (PC)
Developed by: Running With Scissors
Published by: Whiptail Interactive

The first thing that came to mind when I first started playing was HOLY CRAP! Actually….. it was more like HOLY SHIT! According to the people at Running with Scissors, violence should be in games rather than real life. I’m not really here to debate this issue, I’m here to tell you if this game is a piece of crap or a good piece of crap.

Hmmm where should I even begin with this one? I’ll give you some adjectives to start off with: Shocking, Disturbing, Violent, Bloody, and now I’m going to hell for playing this.

Postal 2 is a first person shooter that allows you the freedom of playing anyway you like. “To kill, or not to kill? The things you do in the game will have an impact on what will happen later. You play the roll of the postal guy, and you live out a really crappy week in his shoes. You do things like: pick up milk, piss on your father’s grave, get your paycheck, get laundry, get napalm, pick up Christmas tree, go to confession and get Gary Coleman’s autograph. Yes that’s right, child star Gary Coleman stars in this game. You don’t actually play as him but he makes an appearance in the game and does voiceovers and motion capture. “I’m sorry father for I have sinned” But I actually killed him, and everyone in the mall, then set his body on fire with gasoline and pissed on him, while playing soccer with his already severed head. See what I mean now with those adjectives! “That’s what I’m talkin bout foo” Sorry Gary, please forgive me. That’s not even the beginning of it. I’m scared to even say the rest. All I know is that I won’t be setting foot in a church for a while, especial from what I did to people, just because I didn’t want to wait in line.

Depending on your sense of humor and taste, Postal 2 is funny and fun for the first couple of hours. After the jokes ware thin, it seems like your actually forcing your self to play in order to get your money’s worth. It gets pretty damn boring doing the same crap over and over like Walking long distances, killing the same people and having to wait hours for the levels to load up. Giving people Golden showers is always fun at times; sometimes people will even vomit on you when you do it. Eventually it gets stupid and pointless pretty much like this game.

The only way to describe this game over all is it’s the equivalent to the by product of a meal at Taco bell. In other words, “It’s pure shit”. The models in the game are crap, the textures could be better, and the voice acting is so bland. The only thing driving sales is the negative publicity this game has been getting from the press. I bet you want to see for your self now? you sick SOB! I recommend renting it, or pissing on someone to get it, if you really want to know and make sure you keep it away from the kiddey’s.

I give this game a 5 on my ass kick meter. — Chian

Unreal 2: The Awakening (PC)
Developed by: Legend Entertainment
Published by: Infogrames

With all the Unreal titled games out there in the market, it’s hard to make that choice. However, each of them serve their own purpose and are fairly different games from each other. I just wanted to clarify this so there is no confusion. Now what the hell was I going to talk about again? Oh ya, Unreal 2: The Awakening.

The title says it all, it’s the sequel to the first person shooter smash hit Unreal, released in 1998. What makes this game different from other Unreal titles is that it only focuses on the single player mode. You won’t find a multiplayer option anywhere so STOP WHINING!

The first thing you’ll notice when you play is the kick ass graphics. Visually the game is UNREAL! “Pun intended”. The alien worlds that you visit are imaginative and stunningly atmospheric. Even down to the little native critters running around. My favorite part about the game is the weapon designs. For example the Spyder gun uses these egg sacs as ammo and shoots out a ton of spiders at your foe.

The game play is very linear and it’s not a very long game. Plotwise, the story is nothing to really wet your self about. However there is a lot of back story and some twists that will make you want to proceed further. Basically you play as this dude that has hunt for these alien artifacts that everyone seems to want.

Due to lack of multiplayer the replay value is greatly decreased. I’ve played through it once and don’t really have the urge to go through it again any time soon. Overall it’s slightly better than the first Unreal. If you have a high end computer with 2.5 gigs to spare on your hard drive, this title is worth checking.

I give it an 8.8 out of 10, on my Ass Kick Meter. — Chian

Centaur – In Streams
(Martians Go Home/Parasol)

Centaur was started by Matt Talbot, the former lead singer of the band HUM. Even though they have countless bootleg recordings floating around, fans are finally treated to a finished studio recording. When I first got my copy of In Streams, I was excited almost to the point of climaxing in my pants. For me this was the closest thing to hearing new Hum material and I was hoping it would fill the void that Hum occupied. So it makes sense for me to hold valid comparisons to Hum. Centaur even used the same producer that was involved with You’d Prefer an Astronaut, the album that elevated Hum’s rocket ship to success.

The majority of the songs are slow and spacey with a dulled down pinch of Hum. Apparently there was a death in Talbot’s family. I’m not sure who it was, but judging by what I’ve read, it was a miscarriage. It makes sense that the mood of the songs are what they are. However many of them don’t stand out. In a nutshell, it’s not at the level I’d hope it would be. Some of the riffs are weak and cheesy and the songs are a bit on the snoozy side. For the most part, In Streams is one of those albums that you start listening to and totally forget about in the short and long run. There are a couple of good tunes that I tend to pop on here and there, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to get the cd out. (Yes I’m that lazy, so shut up!)

I’ve listened to this album forcefully quite a few times, in hopes that I would enjoy it on more levels. But my feeling just remains untouched. It hurts me deeply saying these things, kind of like having your balls placed under a vice grip as someone slowly tightens the handle. It’s not the best album, but I wouldn’t say it was the worst either. I give this a 6.6 out of 10 on my ass kick meter even though in this case only about half an ass cheek made contact with the foot. — Chian

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 (PS2)
Developed by: Neversoft
Published by: Activision

This installment in the Tony Hawk’s pro skater series is by far the best one yet. If you thought THPS 3 kicked ass, THPS 4 not only kicks it but makes you its bitch at the same time.

The biggest improvements would have to be the newly revised career mode. For those of you who are already familiar with any other THPS, the career mode in this version is kind of like free sk8 mixed in. You have no time limit and the option to choose when you want to do a goal. You can also save a restart point, which comes in handy when you’re trying to conquer that triple axle turd man fart roof gap (no such gap is depicted in the game. I just made it up so I could use the word fart in a sentence) and don’t want to waste time getting there again if you mess up. Also in this version you are granted the ability to do spine transfers and flatland tricks. I won’t bother getting into details, but trust me, these features come in handy and also have the ability to kick ass. Boy, you should be really sore by now.

Although THPS4 is a kick ass game, there are many things that could be improved on like graphics and sound. The player models look a bit better overall but it generally looks just like THPS3. But hey, who cares? It’s all about that addictive trademark gameplay that will keep you away from many of life’s necessities. I just feel sorry for all the Newbies that are being exposed to THPS for the first time, because it’s a damn challenging game. Although you don’t have to beat the game with every character, there are over a 150 goals to beat, not to mention the gaps, secret skaters, pro challenges, levels, boards, clothing, cheats, tricks, etc. My only beef would be some of the tunes in the game. I enjoy the Iron Maiden skid rock, but a couple of those generic cheesy punk tunes have got to go. I enjoy punk but in this case it’s “skunk”.

It’s the little things that make this game addictive like fine Columbian smack straight from Sanchez himself. It’s amazing how Neversoft successfully adds that extra creamy coat of whip cream every time a new version is due out. Be warned though, once that power button is turned on, it’s not coming off until you realize you’ve lost all your friends. Don’t worry my son, THPS 4 is better than friends. All you need is Tony. I’m not talking in that gay way either. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I give this a 9.5 of soreness out of 10 on my ass kick meter. — CHIAN