Bitch Slap
Written & Directed by Rick Jacobson
Starring: Julia Voth, Erin Cummings and America Olivo

What do you get when you take a blender and add three busty, gorgeous, sweaty women, $200 million in stolen diamonds, swords, knives, blood, guns, rocket launchers and a slow motion three-way water fight?  You get Bitch Slap, Rick Jacobson’s explosive, sexy, over-the-top, hilarious homage to the sexploitation films of the 60’s and 70’s.

The scene is set in a desert landscape and our three ladies have put a diamond heist into play.  We meet Hel (Cummings), the brains , Trixie (Voth) the vulnerable stripper with a big heart and Camero (Oliva) the very pissed off man-hating bad ass and they’ve got a person in the trunk who knows where the diamonds are hidden.  From here on, everything goes to Hell.

Because of the money that is at stake, nobody seems to trust anyone fully.  As we move forward in the film, the past is explained through flashbacks and we learn how these three women came together to see through a plan to make themselves rich.  We find out that two of them are involved sexually (naturally) and this plays out nicely on screen.  The other girl catches the two of them and accuses them of ‘gash bashing’.  This is the kind of dialogue that is throughout this movie.  I learned so many euphemisms for male and female body parts.  I learned so many new insults.  I learned that it’s really hard to kill a smoking hot girl with big guns holding a…big gun.

The girls are never quite actually what they appear to be and every time they get close to scoring the diamonds, someone from their past interrupts and it turns into a Pier 6 brawl over and over.  The fight scenes were choreographed by the legendary Zoe Bell, who starred in Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof and was Uma Thurman’s stunt double in Kill Bill.  I think that’s the best explanation why the fight scenes are really the only thing that doesn’t have a layer of cheese on it.  Some might say it’s gruyere.

Luckily,Bitch Slap never takes itself too seriously.  Every scene that doesn’t occur in the desert is very clearly shot in front of a green screen, the dialogue is hokey, vulgar and hilarious and the acting leaves something to be desired.  You should know that director Rick Jacobson has directed over 100 episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Baywatch.  That should give you another idea of what to expect.  This film is not The Godfather, heck, it’s not even The Godfather Part III, but what it is, is a hell of a lot of fun — Greg

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