Top 10 Lamest G.I. Joe Action Figures
In honour of the release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra this week, I thought I would scour the internet and my own memory to unearth some of the weirdest and lamest G.I. Joe action figures ever released. Considering the vast number of toys that Hasbro produced throughout the ’80s and early ’90s, you can bet there were more than a few stinkers. Here’s to hoping some of these characters end up appearing in the sequel!
Chuckles
Every military operation needs a network of top notch spies, and G.I. Joe is no different. I’m not quite sure why their undercover specialist would be wearing the loudest, most attention-grabbing Hawaiian shirt, but hey, what do I know? As for his wacky codename, apparently he is just a fun guy with a knack for “cracking jokes and punching shoulders” with the enemy. I’d definitely grab a beer with the dude.
Raptor
Both G.I. Joe and Cobra were known to have animal trainers on their teams, but Raptor has got to be the lamest of the bunch. His official position is “Cobra Falconer”, and he wears a kooky bird suit with wings. From his file card: “Raptor was a yuppie tax consultant who took up falconry as a pasttime and soon became obsessed with the avian blood-sport.” Now it all makes sense.
The Fridge
Most people remember that professional wrestler Sgt. Slaughter was a part of the G.I. Joe team, but did you know that there was another real-life celebrity who was immortalized with a G.I. Joe figure? Yep, NFL star William “Refrigerator” Perry was available through a special mail-in offer back in 1986. He was a “physical training instructor”, and his weapon was a steel football attached to a chain. Yikes.
Big Boa
Here’s another interesting bit of trivia: Rocky Balboa almost had his own G.I. Joe figure, but I think they ended up giving Stallone’s other popular character, Rambo, a cartoon and toy line instead. Too bad, that would have been amazing. Anyway, Big Boa was supposed to be Rocky’s arch enemy. Knowing this, his character makes a lot more sense because as a kid, I always thought that a Cobra officer with boxing gloves as his only weapon was pretty lame.
Ozone (Eco-Warriors)
In the early ’90s, G.I. Joe launched a series of figures called Eco-Warriors. Apparently Cobra decided to start “dumping tons of hazardous toxic sludge into the environment in their quest for world domination”. How that helps their cause, I’m not sure, but either way G.I. Joe needed people like Ozone, the Ozone Replenisher Trooper, to help clean up their mess! I’m just really glad Hasbro was able to teach kids about the big issues through G.I. Joe.
Gristle (Drug Elimination Force)
Speaking of big issues, Hasbro also had plans at one point to introduce a line of G.I. Joe figures called the Drug Elimination Force (some of which were based on C.O.P.S. characters). While not all of them ended up getting released, it’s pretty hilarious that their enemies were called Headhunters, and they were basically just common thugs. Check out Gristle, who has the official job title of “Urban Drug Commander”. Yep, this was when Cobra started getting really nasty, pushing drugs on the street and all that. I just love the fact that one of his accessories is a pager.
Scoop
There are some G.I. Joe characters with pretty weird specialties, but you know they were running out of ideas when they decided to give G.I. Joe their very own embedded journalist. His codename is Scoop… how clever. Scoop comes equipped with his very own video camera and backpack with satellite uplink, and his likeness was supposedly based on NBC news reporter Mike Leonard.
Hardball
When you’ve already got The Fridge and Sgt. Slaughter on board, I guess it’s not all that weird to have another athlete on the G.I. Joe team. But still, is that baseball uniform really standard military issue?
Colonel Courage
Worst. Codename. Ever.
Ice Cream Soldier
Scratch that, this guy has the worst code name ever. But it’s all about deceiving the enemy. “The last thing you would expect from G.I. Joe’s fiercest flamethrower commando is for him to be called Ice Cream Soldier. However it’s a perfect cover because when Cobra hears the Joes are sending a guy into battle with a code name like that, they don’t expect much more than a kid with chocolate ice cream splattered on his fatigues.”
Most of my research was conducted via the action figure archive at YoJoe.com and also the G.I. Joe Wiki.
Comments (19)
All those G.I.Joe after 1989 were crap. Raptor was definitely the lamest figure I ever owned.
Posted by A.J. on August 9th, 2009I sure am glad I was a Ninja Turtles fan.
Posted by Kasper F. Nielsen on August 9th, 2009I had both Big Boa and Scoop! Probably those were among the cheaper figures to get. I at some point during my childhood traded my limited Action Force-figures (apparently, I now know, these were GI Joe) for my neighbours extensive TMNT figures. I am a better person for it.
Posted by Henrik on August 9th, 2009I totally still have a Scoop figure.
Also, I swear that I had a figure that was the same sculpt as Colonel Courage and had the same weapons, but was a white guy with different color clothes. According to YoJoe.com, there is a Brazilian variant called Colonel Coragem, but I couldn’t find a picture of him, and I’m sure that the one I got wouldn’t have had a card written in a different language. I must research this when I get home as I still have all of my Joes in a box in the basement.
Posted by Rian on August 9th, 2009I’m older, so I only had the earlier 12″ figures. I liked the Atomic Man GI Joe and the Bullet Man GI Joe figures (I had both). I’m also more of a fan of the pre-Kung Fu Grip figures, though they did hold the weapons better. I always wanted an “Intruder” GI Joe figure. I saw it in a comic book ad, but never saw one in a store.
Posted by paulm on August 9th, 2009http://www.plaidstallions.com/hasbro/gijoe.html
I somehow missed the whole GI Joe crazy when I was a kid. It was just a couple years ahead of me. But I did have one and only one Joe action figure. That figure was … Scoop. Embarrassing to admit.
Posted by rob on August 9th, 2009That top picture looks like some kind of G.I. Joe Village People line-up. “IN THE NAAAA-VYY!”
Posted by Donovan Hamstain on August 9th, 2009Ice Cream Soldier?!?!? Oh my God, tell me you’re making that up.
Posted by El Santo on August 10th, 2009I had Ice Cream Soldier. The handle may be a little on the lighter side but there’s no questioning the ominous orange-yellow color combination.
Posted by Matt on August 10th, 2009Not only does Colonel Courage sport a ridiculous code name, he also looks like douchebag Kanye West.
Posted by Felipe Sunol on August 11th, 2009Looking through that list it is funny how many that I remember. I actually owned three of them – Scoop, Raptor and Hardball.
Posted by Stepen on August 12th, 2009To this day I still regret giving away my GI Joes to a toy drive for Hurricane Andrew victims back in 3rd grade. Man I wish I still had Big Boa and The Fridge!
Posted by Derek 8-Track on August 13th, 2009A counter point: The coolest figures (in my opinion)
Both Storm Shadows (OG Ninja and Camo Ninja)
Zartan (Changed colors)
Firefly (Gray Camo)
Both Snake Eyes (Second Version The Best)
Destro (Sweet Shiny Head)
Tunnel Rat (Camo Paint)
Dusty (See Above)
Cutter (I don’t know why, maybe because he was the sole Coast Guard member)
Snow Job (Because he had a ski set and we could twist his name into something foul)
Grunt (Because he was a plain, bare bones Infantryman)
Low Light, Lifeline, Wild Weasle, Deep Six round the rest.
Posted by Joe Pug on August 13th, 2009What about the playsets and vehicles? They had some of the most impressive (USS Flagg) and silliest (Pogo Pod?).
What do you think Sean? Did your parents love you enough to fork out on that giant aircraft carrier? What is the lamest of the bunch?
I really loved GI Joe up until the Eco Force rolled around. I also enjoyed the cartoon and the comic books. I went out and bought the new comic book (graphic novel now that I’m a grown up) and it’s pretty good.
The cartoon was great and recently rewatched a bunch. I found them pretty rewatchable, I love the song “Cold Slither”! The Dreadnoughts were pretty funny.
I never understood why everything shot lasers instead of bullets. AK-47’s shot lasers, Aircraft cannons shot lasers, and if they had black powder muskets…laser.
I also think it’s funny how everyone would parachute to safety just as an aircraft was blowing up. No one ever died in battle! The Taliban would kick Cobra’s ass. Also, where was the regular military when Cobra was attempting world conquest?
Still loved it flaws and all.
Posted by Joe Pug on August 13th, 2009Ice Cream Soldier was originally a character in Dc’s “Our Army At War” with “Sgt Rock” and was a member of “Easy Company” — Laffmaster Bill
Posted by Laffmaster Bill on August 31st, 2009In reference to Scoop, there actually ARE military journalists in all the branches. In the Air Force and Army they are known as Combat Camera. I know this because I was one for about seven years. Most of the footage from WWII, Korea, and a substantial amount of combat footage from Vietnam, Grenada, Panama and Desert Storm was shot by military cameramen. There seems to be an assumption that civilian journalists are the only ones recording anything. Even in the Global War on Terror, there are military Combat Cameramen (and women) out there on the battlefields. So, yes the name Scoop is pretty lame but the idea behind the character is not as far fetched as you might think.
Posted by SSGDunigan on September 4th, 2009Discovery Channel did a documentary on Combat Camera back in the early 90s (one of my instructors was interviewed for the show). Today, with the proliferation of digital cameras and the WWW, pretty much any soldier can be Combat Camera.
Also, the main character in ‘Full Metal Jacket’ was a military journalist and the 1989 movie ‘84C Mopic’ was about a Combat Cameraman.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096744/
Posted by SSGDunigan on September 4th, 2009When I was a kid, there was a rich guy in my school selling a pack full of the most up to dated gi joes he had bought in USA, which were not found in brazilian shops. In Brazil (I am brazilian), these toys were very expensive, and I coudn’t afford not even one of them. But I had some of them (given as a present, birthdays…), and they were one of my favorite play during my childhood. I tried to buy the caracters croc master and big boa from this “rich classmate”, because they were so different of everything that were avaliable in my country, were the gi joes were simpler, that until now (I am 32 years old) both these caracters represent some kind of hole in my wishes’childhood and still fire my imagination. It may sound ridiculous, but sometimes I dream with these characters (big boa and crok master). Gi Joes are the best toys ever!! And, as a grown man,I am humble (and ridiculous) enougth to say: they rulle!!!
Posted by Marcos on September 22nd, 2009I remember when the little joes first came out and they were cool. Every year the new ones got cooler up until about 87. There were always a couple of them that were sweet but the lame ones started out numbering the keepers. At my house the lame ones were the ones that got blown up, shot with a pellet or .22, attached to model rockets to be launched into the neighborhood onto a rooftop, and the stupid ones also were burned. I think my favorite 3 3/4 joe was Blizzard. I had a fridge but I painted him camo and he was then cool, but I would never own a raptor even to blow up. I still like the big joes better.
Posted by Anthony on November 20th, 2009Anthony
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