G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Review
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Directed by: Stephen Sommers
Written by: Stuart Beattie, David Elliot and Paul Lovett
Starring: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Dennis Quaid, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park, Christopher Eccleston
Having grown up on both G.I. Joe and Transformers in the 1980s, it feels pretty surreal to go to a movie theatre 25 years later and see both of those names listed there up on the marquee. Who knew that my own childhood would end up being such a valuable commodity in Hollywood? I sure didn’t. Of course, after my experience with both of Michael Bay’s Transformers films, I had no illusions about what I was getting myself into with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: a mindless, special effects-driven film catering to virtually every male teenage impulse.
Even so, I was hoping that maybe Stephen Sommers could succeed where Michael Bay did not. Without the mind-numbing giant robot battles, infantile humour and Shia LaBeouf/Megan Fox drama, perhaps there was an opportunity for a slightly more adult story and an uncomplicated action film that doesn’t overstep its boundaries. I know we’re still talking about a movie based on a toy line, but at least the premise is a little less ridiculous, right?
The story opens with two U.S. soldiers, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), leading a mission to deliver warheads to NATO, when they find themselves ambushed by someone who calls herself The Baroness (Sienna Miller). After being rescued by a covert unit known as G.I. Joe, they undergo rigorous testing to join the group, at which point the warheads are stolen back again by The Baroness and her troops. She is working with arms dealer James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), who hopes to demonstrate the power of the warheads by using them on the Eiffel Tower. As the G.I. Joe team scrambles to try and stop them, Duke’s own personal history with The Baroness ends up putting him in a difficult situation.
I think it’s fair to say that if you’re a stickler for details and you thought the Transformers movies strayed too far from “canon”, you just might have a heart attack when you see all the changes they made to the G.I. Joe universe here. While I am more than willing to accept some creative liberties, I hated most of the story decisions they made with this movie. I won’t go into much detail for fear of spoilers, but let’s just say that everyone seems to have a past with someone else, and all of the rumours about the butchering of Cobra Commander’s character are absolutely true. The story is anything but uncomplicated, as they weave in lots of awkward flashbacks to try and add depth to these boring characters. The movie is so concerned with the back stories that it fails to give us any indication as to what is actually at stake in the present. The one back story that is consistent with canon, the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow ninja rivalry, ends up being a joke, plain and simple.
Still, I’m not about to get too hung up on that stuff. With the right tone and some fun performances, this movie could have done just about anything and I would have been happy. It’s true that this movie doesn’t take itself seriously, but it’s neither campy nor genuinely funny. Everyone plays it straight with the exception of Marlon Wayans, who has so many failed one-liners in the movie that I simply lost count. Its two main heroes lack charisma and fail to inspire anything resembling excitement or suspense. Channing Tatum has been so unmemorable in virtually every role I’ve seen him in that I simply don’t understand the appeal. If his physical abilities had been put to better use, it might have been justified, but there’s a lot less hand-to-hand combat here than there was in Fighting, that’s for sure.
Believe it or not, I would have much rather seen Brendan Fraser (who has a brief, unadvertised appearance as Flint) take the lead in this movie; even though I’m not a fan of his, at least he can pass as an action star, and he knows how to ham it up a bit. None of the other G.I. Joe personnel possess any charm or chemistry whatsoever. There is no sign of the camaraderie or co-operation you’d expect to find in a team. The only standout performances come from the villains: Sienna Miller seems to be having a ball as the sexy and stylish Baroness, Christopher Eccleston is smooth and sinister, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is over the top in just the right way as the Darth Vader-esque Rex. (Okay, Dennis Quaid had a few good lines as General Hawk too.)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra wants desperately to be a James Bond movie, but unfortunately it’s a Pierce Brosnan-era Bond film full of high-tech wankery, computer graphics and artificial-looking stunts. Nearly every frame of this movie feels the need to give the audience something “cool” to look at, whether it’s a computerized heads-up display, a hologram or a robotic suit. You can’t even have a scene of dialogue without a zillion overlays and computer images floating everywhere. I guess they didn’t want people nodding off during the brief moments of exposition. I will give them credit for keeping many of the gadgets and technology based loosely in real-world science, however. Camoflauge suits, remote sensing, and nanotechnology all exist at some level today.
The dreaded “accelerator suits” that have been featured in many of the trailers are thankfully only used for one particular chase sequence. However, it is a pretty long one and it is definitely the centerpiece of the entire movie. I can appreciate that they tried to offer something new and original here, but I couldn’t get past the shoddy CG work. Michael Bay did such a better job at blending his special effects with the surroundings that this failed to impress me. More importantly, though, the scene did not make a lot of sense either. They’re racing through the streets of Paris just to find a good location from which to shoot a warhead at the Eiffel Tower? Why not just launch it from their base?
I remember reading in an interview that Stephen Sommers wanted to pay tribute to Thunderball with an awesome underwater fight scene. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that this amazing scene he was talking about was 100% composed of CG vehicles shooting missiles at each other with a blue water filter being used to simulate water. If that wasn’t enough of a let down, the movie builds to a final confrontation in this environment, only to deliver a punchline and cut to the conflict being resolved. Did they leave a scene out of my print or something?
Comparisons between G.I. Joe and the Transformers films are inevitable, and although I disliked Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a great deal, I actually think it has the edge on this movie. Michael Bay may be self-indulgent, but at least he was able to occasionally create a sense of awe and genuinely impressive visuals. Every element of G.I. Joe just feels like a cookie-cutter blockbuster film that was shot by a hired gun in a hurry. From the product placement and the soundtrack to the sexy outfits, typical martial arts fights and overload of CGI, it all just feels like pieces of a disposable puzzle that will be forgotten a couple of weeks from now. Make no mistake: Cobra will rise again, but as it stands right now, there is little motivation to revisit these characters a second time. — Sean
SCORE: 
Recommended If You Like: Die Another Day, Star Wars: Episode 1, X-Men: The Last Stand
Comments (38)
I just saw it a couple hours ago and I’m already forgetting what it was about, especially the Rex and Dr Mindbender scene which was jarringly thrown in, why was that scene there? I thought that scene was after Rex had his accident, but he looked physically fine.
Did you see how many medals Duke had on his uniform? He looked like a 60 year old 5 star general with all those ribbons.
I sat through the credits and it appears that they used some footage from Blackhawk Down.
Posted by Duke Togo on August 9th, 2009I guess the special efferts are pretty amazing. what else…. noop.
Posted by little los angeles on August 9th, 2009Sean –
I agree with a lot of what you said but I do think this is better than “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen”… mainly no robot twins. I think out of everything they did the storm shadow stuff was the best of the movie with him throwing stars etc.. why? no cgi… I agree with you completely on the cgi stuff. In fact because of that, I think they should of just made the action parts a cartoon again. Also I just could not get past snake eyes lips….. really????? dumb… but I know why they did but come on… we do not need to see the lips stay shut to know they do not talk but could.
This movie did remind me of mega force.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqCb_9ubQ1U
Like your suggestions of movies on this one — LOL
Posted by Big Hungry on August 9th, 2009Agree with every word.
In before someone says “raped my childhood”
Posted by Goon on August 9th, 2009The CHUD thread for this movie plays exactly like the Transformers 1 apologist threads where everyone had decided they would love it before they even saw it.
Posted by Goon on August 9th, 2009mehfag
Posted by Dave on August 9th, 2009Raped my childhood.
Posted by JoeCock on August 9th, 2009Seeing the credits listed at the beginning of this review came as a real shock…I wasn’t aware that this unmitigated cluster #@$! of a movie HAD a director or writers (do not adjust your screen, folks… it really did take A TEAM OF WRITERS to cook this one up; stunning, isn’t it?)
Another review I read this morning said it beautifully-a sub-literate movie for a largely sub-literate audience.
Posted by Brendan on August 9th, 2009Yeah, well, I’ve seen a few mature, adult films (not porn) lately that have made me sad to be an adult. Take that as you will.
Posted by Dave on August 9th, 2009Have to disagree with you on this one.
Posted by bullet3 on August 9th, 2009I thought as kind of a live action saturday-morning cartoon it was a lot fun. Granted, I’ve never seen/read anything related to GI-Joe before, so maybe that helped.
As an action movie I thought it was really cool, just with the crazy gadgets and variety of battles(on foot/car chase/submarine battle/air stuff), and unlike transformers you could follow it really well. In particular, the paris chase is one of the craziest chases I’ve seen in years. I think if you just accept that this a crazy, campy universe, you can have a lot of fun with it.
what a complete hater… The movie was good… full of action, not a bad story, but it cuda done good without the dancer (tatum) and the retard (wayans) both this film and transformers were both ENTERTAINING u cant expect em to be award winning films. they’re just here to entertain. They were bothe good.
Posted by R@y on August 9th, 2009Sean:
at least I trolled with one word
Posted by Dave on August 9th, 2009I loved it. First, no director needs to give an accurate account of the stuff on which they base their films. All they need to do is be imaginative, and give their version. So if you see it as a stilted story from the 80’s, thats fine. That doesn’t mean that is what people want to write or see. It was a fun, well rounded film. Funny to think something as foolish as 80’s cartoons can be remade into something bright and watchable. They actually made it into a film. Im sure the geeks will want to see big wrestler steroid men in these parts. But fortuantely for us all that won’t happen.
Posted by Martine on August 9th, 2009I thought it was an OK movie, 2 or 3 stars at least. Like someone above said, it does feel like a Saturday Morning Cartoon come to life. I’m happy that the movie didn’t take itself super seriously, which would’ve sunk it for me. That said, Tatum is an awful actor, and if we get a new lead in the next movie (like, say, Shipwreck), I wouldn’t mind at all.
Posted by El Santo on August 10th, 2009this movie is great very great.
Posted by michael on August 10th, 2009Let’s see here. “Waah, they didn’t make it like the cartoon I grew up with! Waah.” And then, “Waah Waah Transformers blah blah blah male teenage impulse.” And then you go on to say “Waah Waah” some more and dump on what was a two or dare i say it, three star movie easy.
Truth is your review was 10 times more predictable than the movie. Once a movement of internet geeks starts bashing a movie, they all follow in herd mentality knit-picking at every part like a high school film studies class.
Sure you can say anything you want, but your facts aren’t even in order. Brendan Fraser’s cameo is Gung Ho, not Flint. You’d know this by doing a simple Google search. And the movie doesn’t start with Duke and Ripcord, it starts in 17th century France.
These oversights tell me when you saw the film you already had the review written in your head, you just needed some bashing points. So you showed up 10 minutes late to the theater and started typing comparisons to Transformers in your Blackberry.
That’s not to say the movie doesn’t have genuine bashing points. Some parts are really corny or inexplicably shallow, but it is after all a movie for kids ala Star Wars. Your review leaves me wondering what you expected them to make out of GI Joe. Did you want simply a love letter to the old story? Do you know that’s not even possible? Do you even know how scripts are written? Did you know every adaptation of a classic franchise has to be changed dramatically for the big screen for a plethora of legal, stylistic and logistical reasons?
Maybe you could make your own GI Joe movie that would be more “historically accurate.” Go to your mom’s house. Go down the basement and retrieve all your favorite GI Joe action figures. Get a bath started. Grab a camera and then roll tape on “GI Joe: The Historically Accurate Rise of Cobra From My Bathtub” I’m sure it will get a good review from the purists for it’s complete devotion to the vision the writers had for it thirty years ago when movies had all that meaningful dialogue and character development.
Posted by homage tubreakfast on August 10th, 2009My bathtub G.I. Joe movie would definitely have better underwater fight scenes, I can tell you that.
Posted by Sean on August 10th, 2009This film is cool really great!!!
Posted by andrew405 on August 10th, 2009homage tubreakfast – Pirates of the Caribbean was based on a kids ride and its good, why do you people always cop-out and say “its just a movie based on a kids toy” stop drinking the Hollywood Kool Aid – DEMAND BETTER MOVIES!!
Posted by rus in chicago on August 10th, 2009As a major transformers/G.I.Joe fan, Michael Bay’s two trashing of Transformers were absolutely appauling. They focused the human aspect only, and had about 2 scenes even worth watching.(Optimus fight in Rise of the Fallen at the beginning, rest of the movie was utter special effects crapola, which if the constructicons actually transformed from demo to machine, then said “constructicons make devastator and went from there and made him look more than a giant monkey, it would of been good)
Anyways, this film was in all intent purposes a good port. Did I like all the actor(ess) choices? No, I hate M.Wayans..look ad DnD movie and how his crap acting killed it. But other than some stupid one liners, He exceeded my expectations. The Tatum, at least was stubborn and forceful, exactly how Duke would of been. The chase scene was stupid, as Storm Shadow took off his mask way to many times, and there was NO ROADBLOCK. That is probably this movies biggest downfall, no ROADBLOCK. Screw Heavy Duty…He wasn’t even a character until the 89-91 series. Sure Baroness-Duke love story was stupid, and was added in cause someone was smoking some crack, but hey, at least it leaves room for her to easily return as Baroness. The Cobra Commander/Dr. Mindbender/Rex crap was confusing, But hey, it’ll flesh it self out if they do a sequel. Zartan didn’t have a big role, and the underwater fight scene wasn’t the best, but I’ve seen much worse. I will own this movie, I won’t own any of the TF movies. This easily exceeded my expectations without Roadblock playing in it.
Posted by Oz on August 10th, 2009Was alright. I had a laugh. Not a G.I. Joe fan so I’m not really caught up in the “raped my childhood” shit storm. I’m guessing I’m the only one who found it tongue in cheek.
Posted by Byron on August 10th, 2009Sean-
I think you are completely missing the point. IT was a kids cartoon from the 80s. What makes you think it should have a adult theme in the slightest. Go back to your childhood and remember what it was all about. You are looking for too much out of the movie. Now I agree the robot suits were a bit much they didnt help the guys anyway. Brennden Fraisers part should have been longer too. Stop hating it was a decent movie though.
Posted by RoadBlock on August 10th, 2009When I said “more adult story”, I was mainly referring to the fact that the characters in G.I. Joe are all adults, as opposed to Transformers where the main characters are teenagers.
Posted by Sean on August 10th, 2009I think what was missing from the movie and what would of made it for me was a PSA at the end of the credits.
Posted by BigHungry on August 10th, 2009Well… It’s… Rather boring, really. Only watched it becuase I’m a massive Doctor Who fan, and I think Christopher Eccleston is the only good thing about the film. I only payed attention mostly to the bits with him in them… becuase he’s bloody brilliant.
Posted by Sean on August 10th, 2009big horny i agree with everything you said–with insight like thatyou need to become a top notch producer
Posted by tj on August 10th, 2009Swab my mangina. I’ve just been raped.
Posted by Shut-Up Ed on August 10th, 2009I have to agree, this review seems like it was written before you even saw the movie. GI Joe was not a good film, but it was entertaining. This was a much better movie than Terminator, which you gave three stars(!), or Wolverine, which you gave two stars. It seems you are willing to give those movies’ terrible acting and bad plots a pass and not expect anything serious but this, god forbid, can’t feel like what I used to watch on Saturday morning growing up. It just feels you made your mind up before you even went into the theatre.
Posted by Justice on August 10th, 2009Whoops, one thing though…did anyone else think the underwater battle was lifted (or more politely, an homage ha) from the final space battle of Return of the Jedi? From the subs dogfighting to Duke’s sub racing out of the opening of the base as flames shoot out a la the Millenium Falcon. Just what it seemed to me.
Posted by Justice on August 10th, 2009Sean just an FYI so you can get your fanct straight the role played by Brendan Fraser was not W.O. Flint but Sgt. Stone a S.I.G.M.A. 6 LT.OK Thanks
Posted by Keeper of facts on August 11th, 2009i just watched the movie and i thought it was massively entertaining…first of all you need to consider the fact that and cartoon,comic,book or toy line adaptions never strictly keep to the original storyline!…now i dont remember much of g.i joe american heroes cause im a g.i joe extreme child myself, but what i do remember is that the cartoon was to entertain young boys before school or on a sunday morning…so i dont know why u expection some in depth storyline!…it was a an action packed movie that kept me glued…
Posted by Desmond on August 12th, 2009Holy cannolies! I have not seen the movie yet, but I am perplexed at much of the negative responses above. I had plenty of GI Joes growing up, in fact I got the first one that came out, but I never liked the cartoons. All of the GI Joe cartoons were terrible, with some of the worst voice acting and writing in the history of televison. If and when I see this movie, I will expect a campy action romp with stupid lines, bad jokes and dubious special effects. This is the kind of movie I would go see on a night that I let my brain go take a walk somewhere else. Peace.
Posted by Daniel on August 12th, 2009I liked this movie for what it was. I hope that it makes at least $150 million so I can see the sequel (sooner rather than later).
Posted by Colin The Great on August 17th, 2009Biggest disgace was that they made G I Joe a global operation and not an American one. They sucked the patriotism right out of it. Everything mentioned as being bad in the movie was true. If they didn’t want us to make atleast some opinion before seeing it, they wouldn’t have made any previews. It’s true the movie was a tribute to the Bond films, check out the movie trivia.
Posted by Joe Simmelink on August 30th, 2009this is one of my favorite movies. i thought the special effects in this movie were really cool. plus channing tatum was so hot in it!!!!
Posted by megan on November 4th, 2009I feel compelled to say nothing positive about this nostalgia-killer of a heap.
Posted by Phrakture on November 6th, 2009Oh and Megan, Channing Tatum is a plank! His stupid lips and clenched jaw have nothing to do with quality (no quality) of the movie
Posted by Phrakture on November 6th, 2009That movie was horrible! They should have used the cartoon story the Mass Device. I cannot believe that they changed the characters outfits! Thats what gave them character.
Posted by Steve America on November 17th, 2009Leave a Reply