“I asked Bobby Dylan. I asked the Beatles. I asked Timothy Leary, but he couldn’t help me either.”

Today was a day filled with highs and lows. Very low lows.

First off… I quoted a song by Primus in yesterday’s report – ‘Winona’s Big Brown Beaver’ – yet I never mentioned why. No one called me on it either. Zach and Miri Make A Porno opened with it. I knew I was going to like it after that.

Walking to my first movie, I’m thinking about the fresh slice of free pizza I’m going to get later. Free pizza? Oh yeah! Because David Purcey of the Toronto Blue Jays was brilliant on Sunday and threw 7 strikes outs that means all ticket holders get a free slice of pizza! Gold. Well, my thought of that fresh tasty pizza blew away like an old man’s hat in a strong wind. Why do you ask? Because I saw him finally. The same man that haunts me every year. You know him as the Lex Luthor to my Superman. That creepy, older, taller, fatter look-a-like brother of Nickleback’s Chad Kroeger. I hate that guy and I have no idea why. Mind you, he probably looks at me and says, “Hey! There’s that creepy, older, fatter, look-a-like brother of Dante from Clerks.” But I’m cool with that. Most people say that guy should play me in a movie. I think it should be Ed Norton. He could capture the true essence of Greg.

My first film is the new documentary from Larry Charles, the man that brought you Borat. It’s led by comedian Bill Maher and is called Religulous. Soft ‘G’. Basically, Bill mocks all religions. Right to the faces of people that believe in them. There are some pretty big laughs and it’s taken completely from an extremist’s point of view. I did enjoy the use of music in this film. Some good songs were picked and were very effective. I especially liked the use of the Who’s “The Seeker”. No religion is safe and if you’re an atheist then this is the movie for you. I laughed quite a bit and enjoyed it very much. For those that have strong beliefs… well you might be annoyed or even offended.

Speaking of offensive, the old man that sat next to me needed a shower. He smelled like an old man that died last week. I know I bitch about this every year, but good god…come on!!!!! Wash your stank off. I sent a friend a text about the smelly guy and the response I got went something like this “Enjoy your movie and have fun with pee smelling guy.” This is the sympathy I get from my best friend. Maybe I’m just whining.

On the way out of the theatre there was an incident. The ushers were directing people to the back of the theatre to exit because the entrance had escalators only going up. Makes sense to me to go out the back way. However, one older gentleman was having none of it. He wanted to go out the front because he wanted to catch a cab. Last time I checked, cabbies drive on all streets, not just ones in front of theatres. Dude was mad.

This year when I handed in my film picks I actually didn’t get one of my selections, so I decided to use a voucher today as I had lots of free time. I had heard some interesting things about this film Deadgirl, so I decided to check that out. While waiting in line, I struck up a conversation with the girl in front of me and about 5 minutes in she says, “Not to be offensive, but I’m gay.” My first thought was to tell her “Get over yourself, you dumb fuck. Not every unkempt fat guy wants to nail you.”, but I decided to take the gentlemanly approach and say “That’s cool. I’m straight, so we can check out hot girls together.” That got me a small chuckle. I thought it deserved more than that, but I digress.

We were talking about how the fest was run and how stingy the organizers seemed to be. I mentioned that the company I work for is a sponsor and I didn’t bother asking for passes, cause I knew there would be no way. She went on about how last year she had trouble getting a ticket for a movie she actually worked on and then decided to buy it later on DVD at HMV. She followed that up with “It cost me $30! I guess HMV has to make their money some way.” I smiled and then laughed and said… “Guess which company I work for!” She half laughed and said “Whoops”. Classic.

My film gets in and right before the lights go down these two women sit next to me and one has nachos. Now I’m getting hungry and boy did those jalapenos permeate the theatre.

So… Deadgirl. Here’s the premise: Two high school kids ditch class and break into an abandoned mental hospital to vandalize it. Inside a rusted shut room they find a naked girl tied to a bed and she’s still alive. How can that be? It’s been abandoned for years! Instead of calling for help, one friend decides the best course of action is to repeatedly rape the girl. How nice. Over time they discover that she can’t die when the one guy gets too rough and breaks her neck and she keeps breathing. They don’t put it together until much later that the guy is schtuping a zombie. The other friend continues to try and free the girl to no avail.

Some other friends come over for the sex and somehow the love interest of the one good guy ends up there as a prisoner. The rapist tries to make more deadgirls by having the zombie bite her. At this point all hell breaks loose as the zombie is free and mutilates everyone except the one that tried to free her and she escapes. Everyone is dead except for the one nice guy, but his girl also got bit. So, he becomes a degenerate and ties her up and keeps her as his new deadgirl to rape. Credits. What the fuck?????????????? How did this piece of trash make it into the fest.

About halfway through this film I realized that this was the worst movie I have ever seen. I hated this movie. The House Bunny was fucking Citizen Kane compared to this. Sweet Christ. I walk out and am presented with a coupon for a free large popcorn and large soda the next time I go. Maybe they knew it was bad.

Well, at least on the way home I got my free pizza.

Two films tomorrow.

I remain,
Greg

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