Leatherheads
Directed by: George Clooney
Written by: Duncan Brantley, Rick Reilly
Starring: George Clooney, Renée Zellweger, John Krasinski, Jonathan Pryce

Pancakes, sleep deprivation and income tax. You’re thinking…’Wow, that sounds like the best night ever!’ You’re close. It all has to do with my latest review of George Clooney’s Leatherheads.

I like George Clooney, I love comedies and I love sports and when you throw all of those into a blender it spells, delicious. Or so I thought. The delicious part of the evening came early.

I had decided to make a plan with the girls to go see Leatherheads on Friday and I thought a perfect idea beforehand would be to go for brinner first. What’s brinner? Come on…it’s the best thing ever. Breakfast for dinner. So, Elaine, Dayna and Ellyn and I head to Perkins for brinner. Elaine, Dayna and Ellyn kind of remind of female versions of Snap, Crackle and Pop. I’m not sure who’s who and it’s not because they are elves that toast rice into a tasty breakfast treat. I think it’s because all of them are about 5’2” on a good day and I’m 6’4”. Moving on. The plan to do this on Friday crashed and burned because Dayna forgot and planned a date, she also never mentioned it to her twin sister Ellyn and Elaine forgot and made an appointment at the bank. The date I can understand. Dayna met a nice guy who treats her well and obviously wants to hang out with him. Ellen was never told…so she gets a pass. Elaine, however…an appointment at the bank on a Friday night? Are they even open? How is this possible? Whatever.

So, not only am I stuck with nothing to do on Friday, I cancel my other plans on Saturday to hang with them for brinner and a movie. Yes, I am that awesome to my girls and no, I’m not a jerk to the other people as my Saturday plans really only consisted of watching hockey and eating snacks.

We meet at the Perk and have brinner, except Dayna is a pansy and bails on the breakfast food and orders chicken fingers. If anyone can prove to me that they REGULARLY eat chicken fingers and French fries for breakfast, I will personally come to your house, wash your windows, pleasure your dog and make you a sandwich. Well…I might not wash your windows. Anyway, she sucks. Ellyn and Elaine both had French toast and I had a wonderful item called the Tremendous Twelve. A mix of bacon, eggs, pancakes and potatoes. Glorious. The table as a group finished the bottle of maple syrup.

I have to say that during dinner…I was on fire with the comedy. If there was a P.A. system an announcer would have said as we were leaving “Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for the comedic styling of Mr. Greg Gaspari!!!!” “Don’t forget to tip the veal and try the waitress…I’ll be here all night.” Between telling stories, being obnoxious to the other restaurant goers and randomly threatening acts of violence…the girls were in stitches. Don’t take that literally.

During dinner the bomb drops. Elaine is not coming to the movie. Her reason? “I have to do my taxes”. You know….I’ve been rejected a lot by women, I’ve been stood up and I’ve been cancelled on many, many times. Never before has the excuse been “I have to do my taxes.” Kudos Elaine…you’re the first, you jerk.

So, it’s another date with the Jeffrey twins and I’d be a fool to complain. We pick up our passes (Thank you once again Empire Studio 8 at the Pen Centre.) and head into the theatre. I have to say that I thought this movie would be decent as it had many things that I like.

Set in 1925, in an era where college football is king and pro football is but a thought, George Clooney stars as Dodge Connolly (great name) an older football player for the Duluth Bulldogs. Attendance is low so he convinces Princeton football star Carter Rutherford, (John Krasinski) to join Duluth hoping his presence will keep his team from folding.

The first scene involving the players playing in front of a cow is kind of funny and after the first 10 minutes this film becomes an absolute mess. It jumps from silly comedy, to romance, to an underdog story so quickly that the genre of film pretty much depends on which part of the movie you are watching. The jokes fall flat. There is zero chemistry between Clooney and co-star Renne Zellweger and she was completely miscast. Jennifer Jason Leigh would have been better. Don’t get me started on the sports part either.

Clooney is no Ron Shelton. The movie is just all over the place. Some people may tell you that it’s not a sports movie. Well, they fucking marketed it that way so that’s what I was expecting. Pointless newsroom scenes, press conferences and battlefield flashbacks should have been eliminated in a script re-write and they just should have stuck to football and the friendship between Dodge and Carter.

Honestly, the film was boring. Proved by the fact that about 45 minutes into the movie Sleepy McSnoresalot could be heard in the middle of the theatre. Someone fell asleep and shook the rafters. Which gave the twins and I the biggest laugh during the movie. Point taken, Johnny Nocoffee. Point taken. It didn’t work as a sports movie and it didn’t work as a 1930’s stylistic comedy. — Greg

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