Vantage Point
Directed by: Pete Travis
Written by: Barry Levy
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Matthew Fox, Forest Whitaker, Sigourney Weaver, William Hurt

So, my friend Emily decided it would be a good idea to take her buddy Greg out for dinner and a movie for his birthday. Was it a nice gesture? Yes. Was it about a month AFTER my birthday? Yessir. Was I going to complain? Fuck no. We’re talking dinner at a steakhouse and a movie paid for by a hot chick. That’s what I like to call gold.

The movie was Vantage Point. She got to pick. I kinda like Dennis Quaid. He was pretty good in Tombstone and I liked Great Balls of Fire…and how could anyone forget Innerspace? So…Vantage Point it is. Here’s the set up: Different viewpoints on the assassination of the U.S President during a speech at an anti-terrorism summit in Spain. The first 15 or 20 minutes or so are really lame. Then we got to sit through the same 15 or 20 lame minutes about 6 or 7 more times.

Suddenly, the best part of the evening was the 20 oz New York strip loin I had. Have you ever been to an Outback restaurant? It has an Australian theme. I had no idea Australians were famous for their cattle. It’s not like I was eating koala or a wallaby. No eucalyptus or vegemite on the plate either. What made it Australian? Fucked if I know. It came with mashed potatoes and deep fried onions. Paul Hogan would have been proud.

The waiter was a very odd man. I’m sure he was good at his job, but he over-enunciated. Every. Single. Word. Like Sideshow Bob, but not funny at all. It was almost like he was battling a speech impediment. When he brought over the complimentary loaf of rye bread (I love that about some restaurants) I wanted to stab him in the eye by the way he spoke and presented it. Like it was his own personal log of shit that he was very proud of. I decided to tune this knob out and enjoy my hunk of medium rare meat.

One last thing about this guy and other members of the service industry: What’s with the funny looks when I order club soda to drink? Recovering alcoholics drink it all the time. Although I’m not a recovering alcoholic…I still like it. Here’s the deal. Places that have bottomless soda refills…I can’t have sugary drinks at because I drink too much of it and I don’t need all of that extra sugar. I’m fat enough. I don’t drink booze at all, so that leaves me with hot drinks, club soda or water. I’m not a fan of hot drinks with a meal and regular water is boring. I like bubbles. Stop with the funny looks already. I get that enough as it is.

Back to Vantage Point. God…this movie was rough. The main problem with this movie had a lot to do with the same scenario being shown over and over. Since I knew what was happening it gave me time to think of everything that was absurd about the whole movie. For instance…in a crowd of thousands the same 8 people keep interacting with each other. Really? In a huge crowd? People from different walks of life? Whatever.

You have the President, a Secret Service agent, a woman with her young daughter, a local cop, a soldier, a tourist, a bystander and a slutty girl. Finally, after the same scene is played 8 times you get something new. It’s what I like to call the end of the movie. Part of me was happy it was over, but the other part was bugged.

The movie was just so completely implausible. Forrest Whittaker was absolutely ludicrous in this movie. How the fuck this Best Actor winner ended up in this train wreck is beyond me. Also, why cast the actor with a lazy eye as the tourist holding a handheld camera? Like this guy is going to get anything good. Who knows what he’s looking at and the camera is a key piece of the movie! Blurg.

The editing in this movie was brutal. At times I had no idea what was happening. Michael Bay leaned over to me and said “Man…the editing sucks.” That’s how bad it was. I’m fairly certain director Pete Travis added so many explosions and gun fights and quick edits to hide the shitball of a screenplay.

This movie was sucktacular. — Greg

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