Alien vs Predator
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson (screenplay), Dan O’Bannon, Ronald Shusett (story)
Starring: Lance Henriksen, Ewen Bremner, Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova

There are certain sequels and movie matchups that should never be made, and most people with any inch of credibility in the film industry understand that. The problem is that when push comes to shove, credibility is irrelevant and money means everything. Alien vs Predator has existed as a concept for years in both video game and comic book form, but it has never been dignified with an actual movie because… well, it probably didn’t deserve one. Recently, however, the people at 20th Century Fox were reminded that the Alien franchise still has a devout following that even Alien Resurrection couldn’t kill. When that other famous face-off, Freddy vs Jason, didn’t tank at the box office, the next step was a logical one: call up a Hollywood jobber like Paul W.S. Anderson, turn Alien vs Predator into a hip acronym, and make it a reality.

This year has already been a great one for theatrical train wrecks, so hey, why not add another to the list? Paul W.S. Anderson is taking a lot of blame for this movie, but it’s probably not his fault. I can’t believe I’m defending the guy behind Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon and Resident Evil but these “versus” movies are nothing but pure what-if escapism — amusing little scenarios that originate in the heads of fanboys who don’t live in the real world. Such silly concepts occasionally work in comic book crossovers, but to do an entire feature film is to give serious validation to the immature imaginations of geeks everywhere. That’s exactly why Alien vs Predator comes across like a fan film with a big budget. It takes two separate franchises and squishes them into a movie where they really have no business being together, orphaning them from the elements that made each of them so memorable on their own. And yet, like all train wrecks sometimes you can’t resist that human impulse urging you to take a peek and see how much damage has been done.

The backstory they’ve conjured up is nothing short of ridiculous. A team of specialists is assembled to investigate a strange pyramid found buried in Antarctica. The team is put together by Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen), the head of Weyland Industries who you may remember from Aliens and Alien 3. As they converge on the pyramid, the humans reawaken an age old hunting ritual that used to take place back in the time of the ancient Aztecs, Egyptians and Cambodians… Predators vs Aliens. You know, just for the fun of it. Who would have thought that it was the Predators who taught these ancient civilizations to build pyramids in the first place?

It’s interesting to note that Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett, who have not been involved with the Alien series since coming up with the concept and story for the original, lent Anderson a helping hand with AvP. Out of all the past players who steered clear of this project, you would think these guys would have run the farthest away. I guess when you haven’t written anything decent in over 10 years you tend to think twice, but this certainly isn’t going to help their track record any.

There have been a few reviewers who claimed this movie was at least able to entertain on a visceral level. I have to disagree, and it’s not because the special effects were bad; on the contrary, this is one of the few areas where I thought the movie did retain some dignity. Unfortunately, I have no idea why they felt it was appopriate to make AvP a PG-13 film when none of the Alien or Predator movies were rated anything less than R. The PG-13 rating is a huge problem because it means we have a showdown movie with absolutely no payoffs. You never see anyone get hurt, and it quickly becomes repetitive as every death ends with the camera cutting away to a long shot while screams echo in the distance. The fight scenes that everyone paid to see are nothing but boring montages of jumbled close-ups and shaky camera work.

Needless to say, there is no horror or suspense in this film. Somehow the Alien and Predator aren’t so terrifying when there are hundreds of them running around… it kind of ruins the effect. Since they couldn’t show any blood and guts they try to shock us by showing what’s under the Predator masks instead. There were rumours about Paul W.S. Anderson editing the movie right down to the wire and even being forced to cancel the premiere to get every last minute he can in the cutting room. I can only guess this was a ploy to ensure that no one could see the movie and generate bad hype before it hit theatres, because even Anderson can’t be dumb enough to think that some extra editing would improve the quality of this film.

The acting is the last thing worth mentioning about AvP. It’s not like the actors had much to work with but there are no characters here we even remotely care about. The original Alien and Predator movies were only great because you cared about the people in it, and here it’s obvious that the human are just backdrop for the fight scenes between Aliens and Predators. And how much personality can these monsters really have? At first we don’t have a side to root for, which makes for fantastically boring action. But when the story is finally required to choose a protagonist, that is what really makes a mockery of the whole thing. Lance Henriksen returns as Bishop but does not do enough to connect this to the Alien universe we already know and hold dear to our heart. Under the circumstances I’d say that’s a good thing. At least you can’t claim that AvP ruins the other movies because there’s no way you would ever mistake this movie as being part of the same continuity.

The only good thing I have to say about Alien vs Predator is that it doesn’t overstay its welcome. The movie felt to me like it clocked in at under 90 minutes but I don’t know for sure. It’s pretty sad when that’s a movie’s only redeeming factor, but really Alien vs Predator doesn’t even fall into the “so bad it’s good” category. There is no sense of humour or campiness here at all, only boredom. If you’re like me and you feel compelled to see this movie regardless of the bad reviews, you really should think again because it doesn’t deserve your money or your time. Only the hardest of hardcore geeks will derive any pleasure from this one. — Sean