Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles (Gamecube)
Developed by: Square Enix
Published by: Nintendo

In this time of tight competition among video game systems, less and less game developersare willing to put all their eggs in one basket by working exclusively on one platform.Which means a lot of quality companies are spreading around the gaming goodness, likeSquare, who have finally returned to their Nintendo roots after abandoning them years ago for thePlaystation. Crystal Chronicles is the first Final Fantasy game to hit a Nintendoconsole in about 10 years I think (not counting Final Fantasy Tactics Advance on the GBA),and while it’s not a particularly groundbreaking game,overall I think the world is a better place just for having it.

If you’re a hardcore Final Fantasy geek, you should be aware that Crystal Chronicles is notreally a typical Final Fantasy game. Some may say that it’s a dumbed down, Nintendo-ized versionof a Final Fantasy game, and I can’t say I disagree. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though.The most important thing to realize is that although there is a single player mode,FF:CC is first and foremost a multiplayer game.

A multiplayer game designed to sell a lot of Game Boy Advance systems and link cables, that is.Because as you may have heard, the only way to play the multiplayer mode is for each player to usea linked up GBA instead of a regular Gamecube controller. This is by far my biggestcomplaint about the game, because there’s no good reason for it other than to make Nintendomore money.Using the GBA does encourage co-operation and teamwork by randomlygiving each player different game info on their handheld screen(such as enemy radar, treasure radar, area map, enemy stats, etc), but the other so-calledadvantage of the GBA — navigating inventory and other subscreens without having to pause orslow down the action for the other players — doesn’t really work in practice.This is because the GBA menusand interface are so clunky and laborious to use that there’s no way you would try using themin the middle of a fight lest you become a sitting duck. Not to mention the fact that the GBA’s4-button limit makes it necessary for a “Command List” to be used in order to select what actionyour character can perform at a given time. This means you can only actively do one thing at a time,whether it be attack, defend, use an item, or cast a spell. With that kind of set up,defend is virtually useless because there’s not enough time to switch back and forth betweenattack and defend on the spur of the moment.Although they were trying something new with this GBA connectivity concept,the least they could have done was given the option to use a regular controller as well.It’s a shame because the controller issue detracts from what is otherwise a really fungame.

As you have probably guessed by now, Crystal Chronicles is not a turn-based RPG like mostof the Final Fantasy games. It is more of a hack’n’slash fantasy action game with real-timebattles. The basic story isn’ta good vs. evil type quest and it isn’t particularly ambitious; actually it’skind of mundane, which is at least somewhat original.The fictional world is contaminated by a poisonous substance in the air called ” miasma”. Each town has a giantmagical crystal at its center that counteracts the miasma, but every year the crystal mustbe recharged with something called “myrrh” that grows on trees throughout the land. This is whereyou come in. You are part of a caravan that goes out and collects myrrh for your town every year,fighting monsters along the way and every now and then encountering caravans from other towns.Every year once you’ve collected enough myrrh you return home, visit your family, and then set outagain the next year and do it all over again.

There are RPG elements to the game, although they’re definitely simplified. There are no “classes”of characters, but rather occupations such as farmer, alchemist and fisherman and merchant.Characters don’t have levels, but they do have 3 main attributes that will increase over time based on items and equipment you obtain (strength, defense and magic). One weird thing is thatmagic spells (all of which can be cast by anyone) must be picked up by defeating enemiesthroughout each level, and they are lostagain at the end of each level. I guess this set up is partly to make it easier for friends tojoin a party already in progress without being a liability.The game also incorporates some strange pseudo-RPG features that are similar to Animal Crossing,such as letters you receive from your family at home (which you can reply to), and afavourite food system that determines how much health you recover from eating various foodsbased on your character’s preferences.These are basicallyjust distractions from the main game, however, which is simply about fighting your waythrough each level, finding treasure and eventually fighting a boss at the end toobtain some myrrh.

One twist to the actual gameplay is that you must carry a crystal chalice with you to protectyour party from the miasma in the air. One party member must always pick itup and carry it along as you move, otherwise you will take damage when you step outside itsprotective sphere. (In single player mode there is a computer-controlled mooglewho does most of the carrying for you.) This requires a bit of teamwork, and in fact thisteamwork is mostly what sets Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles apart from other action/adventure games and keeps things exciting. Combining spells, sharing information, trading items,strategizing and co-operating is what it’s all about. The hectic boss fights at the endof each level are the ultimate culmination of the whole experience.

I suppose the other thing I can’t help commenting on is the sheer beauty of the visuals in thisgame. Final Fantasy games have a reputation for pushing the limits of graphics and animationand in this sense Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles is at least true to that reputation.Although the character models and enemies are generally very cartoony, the style and detailis breathtaking, not to mention the lush environments and sparkling magic effects.The music and sound effects also add to the fairy-tale like atmosphere and give the gametremendous production quality. If only there was actual audio for the dialogue in the game,it would really have been spectacular.

In the end, it’s these visuals that kept me coming back for more, even when the actionstarted to get a little repetitive. Truth be told this game doesn’t have a lot of replayvalue but there are a few bonuses thrown in, such as mini-games like Blazin’ Caravans(a budget version of Mario Kart that can be played on the GBA). If you happen to knowknow a few people who already own Gameboy Advance systems and link cables, thisgame should not be missed. The multiplayer experience is a ton of fun despite some of itsflaws. Of course, if you don’t have the money or resources to play the multiplayer mode,Crystal Chronicles is still worth checking out… it’s just that you’ll be missing out on most ofits magic. As much as the GBA hawking scam annoys me, I have to admit that this gameis damn good sales pitch. — Sean

The Ladykillers
Directed by: The Coen Brothers
Written by: The Coen Brothers, William Rose
Starring: Tom Hanks, Marlon Wayans, J.K. Simmons, Irma P. Hall, Tzi Ma

In a perfect world we’d get a new Coen Brothers movie at least once a year, and it would live up to the high standards set by the assortment of classics they’ve produced in the past. Unfortunately this isn’t a perfect world, and although the Coen Brothers are currently doing their best to pump out movies at a brisk pace, the quality of the films seems to be suffering just a smidgen.

Last year’s Intolerable Cruelty was a landmark moment in film history as it was perhaps the first Coen Brothers movie that was *not* universally worshipped by film nerds around the world (mostly because it disguised itself as a mainstream romantic comedy). Although I personally enjoyed it, I ascribed any of the movie’s weaknesses to the fact that it was not written entirely by the Coens — and also to the hope that they were concentrating more of their efforts on The Ladykillers, which was in production almost directly afterwards.

Now it has become clear to me that The Ladykillers did not receive the full “Coen treatment” either, so to speak, though it carries with it a lot more of their trademarks. It seems a bit slow at points (with some throwaway scenes inserted to stretch it out) and some of the humour falls flat, but I don’t think it was a bad movie by any means. I think this is the kind of movie that needs time to grow on you with repeated viewings just like many of their best flicks do.

The Ladykillers is actually a remake of a 1955 comedy starring Alec Guinness and a young Peter Sellers, which may explain why it doesn’t entirely feel like a Coen Brothers story. I am willing to bet, however, that the original is substantially different in all but the basic plot. This is because the zany cast of misfit criminals is a group that only the Coen Brothers could have dreamed up.

It has been said that Tom Hanks always plays the All-American Good Guy, but for once here is a role where he is the exact opposite. He is the smooth-talking, poetry-loving Professor G.H. Dorr, PhD, the mastermind behind a criminal operation aspiring to rob a casino riverboat. He rents a room from Mrs. Marva Munson (Irma P. Hall), a suspicious bible-thumping widow, and talks her into letting his musical ensemble practice in her fruit cellar. Of course, his “musical ensemble” is actually the group of thieves, and what they are doing is tunnelling from the basement of her house to the vault of the riverboat. Once again… only in a Coen Brothers movie would such a ridiculous scenario play out as it does.

While Hanks carries much of the movie with a high level of kinetic energy, it is the supporting cast members that really clinch the movie’s true worth. Marlon Wayans will be the most recognizable to many as Gawain MacSam, the inside man for the job who has a foul mouth and gets reprimanded by Ms. Munson on numerous occasions. At times his bad attitude becomes annoying, but he does deliver some funny moments. Then there is the young and brainless football player Lump (Ryan Hurst), recruited for his physical presence (which is, oddly enough, never needed), who refers to Professor Dorr as “Coach”. There is the quiet, ruthless assumed ex-military man known only as “The General” (Tzi Ma), who sports a Hitler moustache and is brought on board for his tunnelling experience. Perhaps the most amusing of all is Garth Pancake (J.K. Simmons), an expert in TV commercial special effects and demolitions who has a problem with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Last but not least there is a cat named “Pickles”, which really needs no further justification for being mentioned.

The set up seems perfect for the hilarity and hijinks that does clearly ensue, however I found that some of the movie’s thunder was stolen by the trailer which spoiled many of the best jokes and classic one-liners for me. I often found myself smiling, rather than laughing out loud, which may be more a reflection on me than on the movie. Still, there were enough comedic gems and stylistic highlights to make this movie worthwhile.

Like many Coen movies, The Ladykillers faithfully captures the feel of a particular locale, in this case a small town of Saucier, Mississippi. It wouldn’t be a Coen Brothers’ movie without quirky accents, and the use of gospel music throughout gives a distinctive flavour and atmosphere on par with the use of bluegrass in O Brother Where Art Thou.

It is the “denouement” of the film where The Ladykillers really shines and the Coen Brothers leave their most obvious signature. The ending is a downhill snowball of unlikely events that proves the Coens have not lost their wit and grace in telling a story. The Ladykillers is most definitely a dark comedy, and it may not suit everyone’s tastes. However, if you are already accustomed to the exaggerated, hyper-reality from the minds of the Coen Brothers, you should feel at home here.

Don’t count the Coens out yet; they are clearly still just as effective and sharp as they have been in the past. If they weren’t rushing things quite so much maybe they would be able to deliver even more consistently, but The Ladykillers is still worth checking out — if not for the Coen Brothers’ humour and cinematic flair, then for one of the most divergent roles in Tom Hanks’ career. — Sean– Sean

We Ragazzi - The Ache
(Self Starter Foundation)

In a time of quantity over quality, it’s hard to trust musical recommendations from anyone. It takes more then angular guitars for a band to sound like Fugazi. It just seems people are too easily pleased. Having said that, after being introduced to a band called “We Ragazzi” by a reliable music source, I can safely say that in a time of mis-represented descriptions and unworthy recommendations, I am definitely pleased.

After a short hiatus, We Ragazzi return with not only a new drummer, but a new full length album entitled “Ache” (available on self-starter foundation) “I want you to love me so much I can’t stand up”, the first track on the record, sets the bar with rhythmic keyboards; panicky drums; accompanied by vocals, which upon first listen seem to be a little over the top. However, through each track you begin to sense where they’re going with this. It’s most evident in “Forever Surrender 2 u” that a seemingly heavy Fugazi/At the Drive-In influence may actually be second to an even more obvious presence of the Rolling Stones, mainly in the Mick Jagger-esque vocals.

Although the songs seem to follow a sort of formula with similar drum and guitar lines, the soulful vocals and danceable rhythms manage to keep the album fresh throughout. Stand out tracks include “Burn 4 U”, “Forever in the first stages of love”, “Forever Surrender 2 U”, “The Ache”. — Jay

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Directed by: Michel Gondry
Written by: Charlie Kaufman
Starring: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo

Have you ever regretted something in your past that you just wish you could erase from your mindforever?Sure you have. In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, writer Charlie Kaufman explores exactly what might happen if there was a medical procedure to delete past relationships and events from your mind. It can’t fix those past mistakes, but it sure makes it easier to live with them right?In lending believability to this strange concept, he manages to delve into many of the intricacies surrounding love and life, and answer that age old question: is ignorance really bliss?

The title of the film comes from a famous poem by Alexander Pope (as mentioned in the movie), and its clear that only Kaufman could weave such an obscure reference into a screenplay and give it some sort of profound meaning.People who have been following Charlie Kaufman’s screenwriting career may know him simply as “the guy who writes weird shit”, but it is his ability to pull certain poignant moments (and a few good laughs) out of the weirdness that makes his work special. He is best known for his collaboration with director Spike Jonze on Being John Malkovich and Adaptation, but Eternal Sunshine marks his second time teaming up with the equally talented Michel Gondry. This film is not quite as off-the-wall and surreal as Human Nature was; it works on a level that most people can relate to and is at its core a romantic comedy (although I guess most of Kaufman’s movies could probably be called that).This is not to say that Eternal Sunshine does not have its share of bizarre moments however.Seeing Jim Carrey play a midget version of himself in his childhood memories was at least as odd as seeing John Malkovich enter his own head… if not moreso.

Carrey turns in a great performance here, once again putting his talents to better use than slapstick comedy and shaping his career into something he should really be proud of.He plays Joel Barish, a quiet, withdrawn fellow who meets the impulsive and vibrant Clementine (Kate Winslet) and together they fall in love. Unfortunately they alsoeventually fall out of love, and Clementine decides on a whim to take advantage of the services offered by Lacuna Corporation to have him erased from her memory. When Joel discovers this through a friend (David Cross), he finds it so upsetting that he decides to undergo the exact same procedure.

The meat of the movie takes place with Joel unconscious and being operated on by a group of irresponsible young technicians (Elijah Wood, Kirsten Dunst, and Mark Ruffalo).While they goof off around his prone body, his mind runs through memories of moments spent with Clementine, but at the same time he slowly starts to gain consciousness of things the technicians are saying and doing nearby and reality seeps through.

As you might guess, the resulting film is a little chaotic at times. The story is told through a disjointed chronology, though it’s not as much of a jigsaw puzzle as you might think.Michel Gondry is hailed by many as a filmmaking genius and pioneer (it is widely held that he invented the Matrix “bullet time” concept in a commercial he did many years ago), and the many strange techniques and camera angles he uses in this movie only offer more proof of his raw talent and wild creativity. He submerges us in Joel’s mind with all kinds of visual effects, camera tricks, and audio manipulation, giving a moviegoing experience that’s not to be missed.

Although a movie as original as this really has no comparison, I did find myself reminded numerous times of P.T. Anderson’s Punch Drunk Love throughout. Part of it is the way in which you feel yourself being sucked into the confusion and insanity, helped along by the schizophrenic musical score provided by Jon Brion (who also did the music for PDL).Also, in the same way that PDL disappointed people who thought it would be a typical dumbass Sandler comedy, Eternal Sunshine will likely cause a lot of Jim Carrey fans to walk away from it feeling confused and let down. Carrey’s mainstream comedy is still a huge box officedraw, as Bruce Almighty showed, butthis is potentially the best performance of his career (even moreso than The Truman Show or Man on the Moon), and I hope that more than a few people get to see it.

Eternal Sunshine is a beautiful movie, and the kind of thing you want to watch over and over again (I intend to). With the number of talented people involved I suppoe it goes without saying that something cool came out of it all. No doubt it will be labelled as too “artsy fartsy” for a large number of the population but I also see this as being Kaufman’s most accessible movie to date. Take a chance on this one, because you’re not likely to see anything else as unique and original in theatres this year.– Sean

Dawn Of The Dead
Directed by: Zack Snyder
Written by: James Gunn, George A. Romero
Starring: Ving Rhames, Sarah Polley, Mekhi Phifer

I think everyone feels a little uncomfortable with the idea of a remake of a classic film. I guess it’s somewhat subjective judging what is classic and what isn’t, and what deserves a remake. Psycho is definitely worthy of the title of a classic film, but was critically slammed when remade by Gus Van Sant. Even the well respected art film director stepped on holy ground, even though his version was an almost shot by shot recreation of the original. I guess personally I’ve never really understood why someone would want to put so much work and energy into something that isn’t truly your own idea. If you’re going to retell a story, then the audience will assume that you have something to add to make it better. Although Dawn of the Dead may not be considered a classic on the same level as Psycho, it does have a fan base so fanatically dedicated to the original series of “Dead” movies that they’re probably a lot harder to please then even the most knowledgeable Hitchock historian.

Dawn of the Dead shares the same story as the original. An unknown virus quickly spreads, we assume, throughout the world. This unusual disease causes those who are bitten by the infected to rise from the dead and bite others. Quickly, the city (Milwaukee, USA) is overtaken by a swarming heard of undead zombies. Sarah Polley plays Anna, a young nurse who winds up finding shelter in a local shopping mall alongside Ving Rhames (a cop) and a group of confused survivors.

First time director Zack Snyder is the man fans will either blame or praise for a number of changes to the “dead” universe. I would agree that changes are a good idea to remind the audience that although this film shares the same title as the original, it is a retelling and not meant to be the exact same film. Whether or not the changes work is a different story. The slow moving zombie of the sixties and seventies has been replaced by a more athletic running zombie of the new millennium. Although this idea isn’t new, (Return of the Living Dead, 28 Days Later) it’s still a big enough change to cause controversy rivaling Spiderman’s biological web shooters or Norman Bates’ voyeuristic masturbation scene. Although the running zombie adds an energy to the film that maybe the original lacked, it also takes away from the realism. It seems as though the zombies lose their energy as soon as they’re close to a main character, as they attack one by one at an energy much lower then first established.

Although the zombies are the main characters of the film, we find ourselves dealing with the inner workings of a much larger group of survivors co-existing within the shopping mall. A group of mall security guards turned military survivalist bullies steal the story away from the zombies for a little too long for my liking. Luckily the writers must’ve lost interest in this as well seeing as this side story is completely dropped without any real good explanation. You’ve also go the wisecracking asshole, a character who seems conscious of his role as comic relief, as he’s too busy making bad jokes too worry about the swarms of zombies taking over the world. Mekhi Phifer plays an expecting father as he cares for his pregnant girlfriend, who of course has been bit by a zombie. When it’s discovered that the bites are what spread the disease, Phifer takes things into his own hands and hides in a store with his wife for the rest of the movie. I can’t go on without mentioning an unusual cameo by Matt Frewer, best known for his role as the eighties icon Max Hedroom. His screen time rivals that of a Max Hedroom Coca-Cola commercial, and his character is completely pointless. It’s hard to talk about the characters of the film when there were so many, and most of them were so pointless.

The high contrast look of the film was a little distracting for me. Although it worked with some of the zombie attack scenes, the dialogue inside of the shopping mall simply looked muddy and weird. As for the special effects of the film, the zombie make-ups were somewhat toned down and overshadowed by the use of CG helicopters, which for me stole the show. Which brings me to the main complaint I have with the film: Not enough time with the zombies. The original films had us wandering around the mall with the zombies, showing how they react to eachother and their surroundings. In this film, we have virtually no personal time with the zombies. But I guess nowadays seeing a clown zombie or a zombie in a wedding dress would be considered cheesy.

I suppose it’s unfair to compare the two versions of the film seeing as they’re both so different. As a film on it’s own, this version of Dawn of the Dead is entertaining. But it can’t help but fall under the shadow of the original. Perhaps an original zombie movie with new ideas would have been more interesting. I’m not completely disappointed with the film, but I’m not completely satisfied either. As far as remakes though, I think I prefer Tom Savini’s 1990 version of Night of the Living Dead due to it’s lack of CG helicopters and rap metal. — Jay

Top Spin (X-Box)
Developed by: Power & Magic Development
Published by: Microsoft Games

Tennis is one of those sports that I’ve never really been a big fan of, at least as a spectator, but it is fun to play when you have an equally matched opponent on the other side of the net. While there have been many tennis video games over the years, none of them ever hooked me enough to play more than a few times. The cartoony Mario Tennis series is the only one that stands out in my mind at all, and this leaves me to wonder if there is a big gap in the video game market here or if I just haven’t been looking hard enough. With the arrival of Microsoft’s Top Spin on the X-Box, however, any such gap has now been filled nicely with the first truly solid realistic tennis game I’ve ever played.

Top Spin allows you to choose from 16 playable pro tennis players (both male and female) including Pete Sampras, Michael Chang, and of course the biggest draw of them all… Anna Kournikova. I’m sure there are a lot of big names missing from the list but since I don’t really follow pro tennis I wouldn’t know of any particularly glaring omissions. Where’s Andre Agassi? And John McEnroe? (Okay, yeah, I am a few years behind the times.) Anyways, it doesn’t really matter what pros are missing because the best part of the game is the ability to create your own player. Similar to the most recent Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater titles, Top Spin allows you to customize your in-game persona with the utmost level of detail. From your jaw size to your nose to your eyebrows to your lips, it can all be tweaked as you see fit. Then there’s the fun of dressing up your athlete in hip outfits as well. There aren’t as many silly clothing items as they have in Tony Hawk, but you can still give your character some amusing accessories such as a big ass skull earring.

The graphics and sound in Top Spin are top notch. The intricate sounds of the ball echoing in the stadium, the grunting of the players, the judges (speaking in different languages depending on where you’re playing), and the eruption of applause after a good rally sound about as authentic as possible. If you look away from the TV for a moment you can truly imagine that you’re hearing the audio from a live tennis game in progress. The fluid animations and the facial expressions of the characters are some of the best I’ve seen in a sports game.

Now, on to the most important element of a sports game: the controls. This is really where Top Spin sets itself apart. The basic controls can be picked up fairly quickly, and after that it is a more gradual process of mastering the advanced moves. Your arsenal generally consists of flat shots, lob shots, or shots with spin on them. There are “safe” shots and serves that are basically guaranteed to be in bounds, and then there are “risk” shots where you are more likely to hit the line or the net (but if you don’t your opponent is going to have a hell of a time returning it). As a match goes on and you win a series of points, there is a gauge in the corner of the screen that indicates to what extent your player is “In The Zone”. The higher your ITZ level, the easier it is to hit these risk shots. When attempting a risk shot your player may also pull off some cool acrobatic moves like a behind the back shot, and as impressive as it looks you’ll be surprised at how easy these are to accomplish.

The other fun, although essentially useless, feature of the game is the ability to show off attitude during a match. In between points you can press a button to show excitement or frustration through a random animated cutscene. It’s always good for a laugh to trash talk your opponent in this manner (even if you’re playing against the computer), and somehow satisfying to kick the crap out of your racket when you blow a shot.

The single player Career Mode allows you to work your way through the pro circuit playing in various tournaments. There are tons of real-life venues and surfaces to choose from. They also seem to have drawn from the Mario Tennis series a little bit as there’s more to the Career than just playing match after match. You can visit different coaches to practice various skills and also compete in special challenges set by potential sponsors.

The multiplayer, on the other hand, is a blast especially if you play doubles with 3 friends. Top Spin has a game mode that allows you to set up a custom tournament among friends, and of course like any of Microsoft’s XSN games there is also the ability to play online with X-Box Live.

The only real problem with this game I’ve found is one that is somewhat inherent to tennis itself — the games can turn into literal marathons and they get to be very long and gruelling. It would have been nice to have the ability to save in the middle of a match, but I guess hardcore tennis fans would say I’m just a wuss. Also, why can’t males play against females? I mean, at least in exhibition mode you should be allowed to do this just to screw around, even if you can’t do it in official tournament play.

Although Microsoft haven’t had a ton of success with their XSN series of sports games (particularly because of the dominance of companies like EA in most sports), Top Spin is a notable exception. Lucky for Microsoft, tennis was the one sport where the competition wasn’t quite so intense, and Power and Magic Development took the opportunity and ran with it. I’m willing to bet it made EA and Sega stop and take notice because this is arguably the best tennis game ever made. — Sean

Waterproof Blonde - Glitter Lust
(Label X)

I’m not quite sure why someone sent this to me to review, but I was confident Waterproof Blonde wouldn’t be my kind of thing as soon as I read the bio and found that their claim to fame is the song “Come On (With Whatever You Got)”, which happens to be the theme song for WWE wrestler Sean O’Haire. With that kind of world wide recognition, what do they need reviews in independent zines for anyways?

The truth of the matter is that they haven’t quite made it big just yet. They seem like the kind of band that could easily break into commercial radio at any moment, but could just as easily be lost in the shuffle and never score a major label deal. Waterproof Blonde hail from Louisville, Kentucky and they are decent musicians that play fairly middle-of-the-road rock n roll. That’s really all there is to say. There is little to set them apart from all the other bands trying to make it nowadays except maybe female frontwoman/vocalist Rachel Hagan. To her credit she does have a reasonable singing voice, and the band backs her up adequately but the combination never really amounts to much. There are a few hooks here and there, but the performances on the album sound dull and emotionless even despite the potential for something more.

Both “Supermodel Craving” and “Glitter Lust” are feisty rock songs with catchy choruses and a sound that vaguely reminds me of Veruca Salt; on the other hand “Ruthless” and “How Long?” are just slow, meandering tunes that showcase Hagan’s vocal range but offer little else of interest. These songs have more in common with Joan Osborne or other such “sensitive” solo female artists than an actual rock band.

Then there are two versions of that Sean O’Haire song, “Come On”. It resembles a cheesy 80’s rock anthem and pretty much sounds like you’d expect a wrestling theme song to sound, although it is distinctly different from their other music.

That’s pretty much all you’ll find on this 6 song EP. I can’t really recommend it personally, but hey I’m sure there’s an audience out there for this kind of stuff. Maybe you’ll be seeing these guys on MTV as early as tomorrow, but then again, maybe you won’t. — Sean

Kevin Smith Speaks Out
Friday, March 12, 2004 @ Roy Thompson Hall, Toronto

If you’ve seen An Evening With Kevin Smith on DVD you know that a Q&A engagement with the foul-mouthed filmmaker is more of a a stand-up comedy act than a serious discussion of film theory and techniques. Although I have found myself becoming less and less interested in his work as a director as time goes on, I still jumped on the chance to see him speak live because I knew it would be somewhat entertaining, and I knew it wasn’t an opportunity that was likely to come around again anytime soon.

The night was introduced in part by an on-stage appearance from Degrassi’s Joey and Snake (Pat Mastroianni and Stefan Brogren), which was fitting considering Kevin’s own self-professed love for the show. Unfortunately, the impatience of some of the more obnoxious and rowdy audience members began to take over… one guy in front of us simply yelled out, “Bring on the Fat Man!” When Kevin finally strolled on stage in his trademark trenchcoat and baggy shorts, he was greeted with a deafening standing ovation. After a brief introduction during which he confided his fears of being “punched in the neck” while up in Canada (referring to Todd Bertuzzi’s controversial sucker punch in the NHL), he wasted little time in getting to the questions from the crowd. Of course, before the Q&A had even started someone higher up in one of the balconies jumped the gun and blurted out, “What did you think of The Hulk?!!” Ah yes, I knew we were in for a long night of Kevin Smith heckling and ass-kissing not too mention idiotic questions, but I guess that was to be expected considering his fanbase.

The quality of the questions throughout the night were, for the most part… questionable (pun intended). After having seen the DVD, while it contained its share of embarassing moments where people made fools of themselves, it hadn’t occurred to me how much it had been edited down. Witnessing it live meant there was a lot more crap to sit through; from a budding filmmaker begging him to make a movie with her, to a fellow “fat nerd” asking him who would win in a fight between an Oompa Loompa and a flying monkey, to a handful of people begging him to sign posters, DVDs and breasts (*during* the Q&A session, mind you) it got annoying at times. However, Smith was impressive in his ability to deal with troublemakers, quickly retorting and cutting them down to size where necessary, other times being diplomatic and doing his best to answer even the most useless queries.

Even with all the dumb questions, he covered a wide variety of topics, while taking care to avoid regurgitating things he had discussed in the past on his DVD. An early thread of discussion involved his explanation of how his wife ended up posing for Playboy, in response to which another audience member proudly whipped out a copy of said issue and held it open for all to see. He talked briefly about his plans for the future with Green Hornet and Fletch Won, which he promised he would follow up with another Jay & Silent Bob movie (partially a deal he made with Jason Mewes to motivate him to stay clean). He spent some time justifying the potentially disastrous casting of Jersey Girl with “Bennifer”, and although he didn’t really convince me personally that the movie will be good, he did seem wise in his claims that it boosted Affleck to give one of his best on-screen performances.

I was hoping to hear more stories about his experiences in the industry and working with celebrity egos (like the inanity of the whole Superman movie fiasco that he talks about on the DVD), but there were still plenty of interesting tales to be told on this night. Other notably funny and/or poignant topics included how the trailer for Seabiscuit was so emotional it brought him to tears, how Jason Lee finds the word “porno” and Burt Reynolds hilarious (making Boogie Nights his dream come true), how Regis Philbin was indirectly responsible for the failure of Clerks: The Animated Series, and how Smith himself was inspired to become a filmmaker and struggle through his experiences at film school in Vancouver. Perhaps the most fun, however, was near the end of the night when he confessed his obsession with Degrassi, which surpassed a level of insanity I had expected. In a strange reversal of roles he mentioned to Pat Mastroianni that he had attended a TV/movie expo in Vancouver where he had gotten his autograph (”I’m sure you don’t remember, but that’s okay!”), and how he wanted Stacie Mistysyn (Caitlin) to play Shannen Doherty’s role in Mallrats. He then proceeded to tell the story of how the first thing he did with the money he made from Clerks was purchase the entire run of Degrassi on VHS from Scholastic video for over $6000!

Smith proved that although he is now a father, his potty mouth has not been cleaned up one bit, and this was interesting considering that the Roy Thompson Hall is usually a somewhat classy establishment. The various ushers and staff members did not look amused by his frank discussions of pornography and sex. Another hilarious aspect of the night (and one that he joked about a few times) was the fact that there were two women at the side of the stage translating into sign language. The number of rude gestures and slang they were required to use was quite excessive, and it was just as entertaining to watch them instead of Smith.

Smith spoke for over 3 and a half hours, which flew by both for the audience and also himself (or so it seemed). It was clear that he enjoyed interacting with fans on such a direct level, and also simply that he enjoyed telling funny stories. He was always concerned with people getting their money’s worth too, constantly suppressing spontaneous applause so as not to waste precious time on it.

Even though I have lost interest in Kevin Smith’s movies in a lot of ways, this night served to confirm probably his greatest talent of all which is simply the art of storytelling — and an extremely quick-witted sense of humour. You can’t help but love the guy. It is actually very impressive that he had nothing prepared and just ad-libbed everything off the top of his head, from the charming personal stories to the barbed comments that shut up all the smart asses and hecklers in the crowd. Who knows… if this movie director thing doesn’t pan out for him he may have a strong career ahead of him doing more stuff like this.

Was it worth the $30 student admission price? Absolutely. Would it have been worth $50 for the general public price? Well, that might have been pushing it. The strange thing is that although the show was for college and university students, it wasn’t really all that educational. (The irony of someone who dropped out of college speaking in front of college students was not lost on Smith.) It was still a lot of fun though, and I hope he comes back to Canada when he does his tour for the second DVD which he confirmed is in the works, and may happen sometime later in the year. — Sean

Don Caballero
with Pair Bambi, Sonic Boom Project
Thurs. March 4th, 2004 @ Mohawk Place, Buffalo

It’s pretty common nowadays for a band to undergo a number of line-up changes throughout its career. A lot of times the line-up that started the band is almost completely different from the line-up still playing in that band a few short years later. Sometimes it is questionable whether or not they should even be using the original band name, especially when the fusion of new blood has taken the band in an alternate musical direction.

But how often do you find a band where the only original member left is the drummer? Well let me tell you: not too often. Such is the case with Don Caballero, and yet, drummer Damon Che is arguably the most important member of this all instrumental, insanely intricate band. After Don Cab broke up a few years ago, each of the contributors went their own separate ways; guitarist Ian Williams continued on with his side project Storm & Stress and then a new band called Battles (featuring ex-Helmet drummer John Stanier), while Che himself formed a new project called Bellini. Before long however, Che decided to return to the Don Caballero name that has been a part of him for well over 10 years, and he recruited some friends from the Pittsburgh prog/math/metal band Creta Bourzia to come along for the ride.

While organizing a “reunion tour” without the rest of the band does seem a little questionable, I have to say that any new musicians who can jump on stage with Che and actually play existing Don Caballero songs have already more than earned my respect. I was interested to see exactly what this new line-up would sound like, and considering I had never seen Don Caballero play live before, I was hoping they would be able to live up to the band’s reputation.

We arrived at Mohawk Place in Buffalo precisely as Sonic Boom Project ended their set. After a somewhat long wait, Pair Bambi plugged in all their gear and delivered their haphazard sound to the gradually building crowd. It was easy to see how this Buffalo band fit on this bill as they were mostly instrumental and attempted to create math rock-y riffs over off-time rhythms. At times they succeeded, but at other times the band was just not tight enough to pull it off. There were too many moments where they sounded like 4 separate musicians playing 4 separate songs. Also, whenever they decided to forego the strict instrumental policy, the guitarist/frontwoman dished out vocals that were difficult to endure. She was trying too hard to sing with an operatic voice that she did not possess. To make matters worse, I just couldn’t shake from my head her resemblance to former Saturday Night Live cast member Ana Gasteyer. I kept expecting Will Ferrell to come out and join her onstage.

At any rate the crowd was receptive and Pair Bambi did a sufficient job of warming things up. By the time Damon Che stripped down to his boxers and took a seat behind his drumkit, everyone was anxious to see what would happen next. A trio of young hip-looking guys followed him up there and they launched into a brand new song that did not sound to me like Don Caballero. I was impressed but a little put off by the chugging drop D guitars and all-out thrash assault. Was this really what I just paid to see? Fortunately from there they settled into some existing Don Cab material, with both guitarists combining their efforts throughout the entire next song with complex finger-tapping patterns, while Che and the bassist laid down dizzying off-kilter beats.

It was amazing to watch Damon Che as he would often sit almost motionless, hunched over his drum kit with his head down as his long arms flailed effortlessly about the drums in hypnotic and precise patterns. He has often been compared to an octopus, not only because of the number of arms he appears to have as he plays, but also the undersea-like grace with which he maneuvers. It’s quite interesting, especially when you consider how chaotic the music can get, but it’s as though he is sitting within the eye of the storm. In between songs he would mutter cryptic phrases and gibberish into the microphone beside his kit (the lone microphone on stage) and banter back and forth with the crowd in a schizophrenic manner that reminded me of Hunter S. Thompson or some other well known crackpot. (Whether or not this is entirely an act I can’t say, but I somehow suspect he doesn’t live in exactly the same world most of us do.) The other band members would only quietly sip beer and look content with themselves, although occasionally the goofy-looking bass player laughed at his lines like a stoner sidekick. Even though the new guys on stage seemed like obvious imposters to the band, they clearly knew their shit when it came to performing the songs.

The rest of the set continued along like this as they played a variety of stuff from their last release American Don and covered stuff all the way back to their very first album (perhaps even earlier). I am not that familiar with Don Cab’s oldest material, but I suspect that there were a couple of new songs thrown into the mix as well because every now and then they would perform another song with dual shredding guitars that just seemed a little out of place. Although it is difficult to keep the names of their songs straight (especially considering the length of the song titles) some highlights of the night that I recognized included “I Never Liked You” and “In the Absence of Strong Evidence to the Contrary, One May Step Out of the Way of the Charging Bull”.

All too soon the set was over, ending with an epic metal dirge that I believe may have been another new composition. Fortunately, for an encore they came back with a blistering version of “Fire Back About Your New Baby’s Sex”. Even if this wouldn’t be considered by some to be a performance by the real, authentic Don Caballero, it was still one of the most impressive displays of musical talent I’ve ever seen. I suggest you catch them live while you have the chance because it will be one of those shows you still remember years and years down the road. — Sean

Trans Am - Liberation
(Thrill Jockey)

Although Trans Am threw listeners a curve ball with their last release “TA”, Liberation is a fine return to form for these primarily instrumental avante-garde rockers. The band has been known for mixing a variety of musical styles over the years, but 2002’s “TA” diverged a little more than usual, playing out like a tongue-in-cheek 80’s pop record. It alienated some fans, while simply confusing others. Needless to say, it also left many people wondering what was next for the trio.

Well everyone can breathe a sigh of relief because Liberation does not run the risk of alienating or confusing any Trans Am fans. The new album captures many of the classic Trans Am sounds that we have come to know and love over the years, but also some interesting new experiments as well. What’s more, it’s the first Trans Am album to have a real tangible political theme to it, a result of life in post-9/11 Washington, D.C.

The lead off track “Outmoder” is an outstanding instrumental track that showcases the driving, robotic rhythms that they are best known for. The precise bass/guitar/drum attack is reminiscent of the simple yet hard-hitting songs from their self-titled debut album.

This is followed by the first explicitly political song, “Uninvited Guest”. It mixes together a collage of sound clips from George W. (manipulated at times so that his voice sounds strangely demonic) backed by electronic beats and some eerie synths. This general formula is also used on such songs as “White Rhino” and “Spike In Chatter”, implementing the same minimalist electronics that were found on The Surveillance and Surrender To The Night.

“Total Information Awareness” is an epic Futureworld-esque track with sinister keyboards and vocals delivered through a vocoder, while “Music For Dogs” contains the only real trace of the 80’s influence from “TA”. The highlight of the album just might be the song “Idea Machine”, which finds the band seemingly soaking up more from the D.C. vibe than merely the tension and paranoia, as they incorporate angular guitar riffs that conjure up thoughts of Fugazi.

Overall, Liberation is one of the most cohesive and well-written albums Trans Am have ever released. Most Trans Am albums have at least a few throwaway tracks with droning ambient noise or strange sound effects, but Liberation is pretty much concise and to the point. While it works great as a whole album tied together by the political themes, it also contains some of my favourite individual Trans Am songs to date. If you’re a fan of the majority of their previous work, you won’t be disappointed. On the other hand, if you’ve never had the pleasure of listening to a Trans Am album before, this is the perfect chance to get acquainted. — Sean