Jedi Academy (PC)
Developed by: Raven Software
Published by: Lucasarts

You can basically put the name Star Wars in front of any thing and you know it will sell like mad. I’m thinking about going into business selling Star Wars birth control pills and Star Wars brand hemorrhoid cream (patent pending). I’d be as rich as Lucas himself… Well… not quite. I mean, if they can crank out movies and games left and right, why can’t I sell my cream? BASTARDS!

Please, ignore the previous paragraph; I must have been drunk or something when I wrote it. But, I bet it kept you interested just because I used that magic word Star Wars about 4 times so far. I know that the very sight of that word will give the most impotent nerd a boner that is worthy of hanging jackets on. So with that in mind, I shall use it as much as I can in this so called review, even if it doesn’t make any sense.

“Star Wars” Jedi Academy continues off from Jedi Knight 2. You play as Jaden the young apprentice of Kyle Katan, (the main character in Jedi Knight 2). The game allows you to “Star Wars” customize how Jaden will look. Make him man, alien, female, give him/her different clothes… you get the point. During your training to become a Jedi, you are thrown into missions to investigate this disturbance in the force “Star Wars” that Luke Skywalker keeps on bitching about. You will even get to fight along side that hairy Robin Williams look-a-like, Chewbacca, on one mission. The only downside to fighting with him, are the erotic noises he makes when he gets shot at — or is it a downside? Other characters include Bounty Hunter Boba Fett. I think every “Star Wars” game should have him in it, just because I said so.

The game also allows you to play in first person or third person views. The weapons are plentiful in the game, but the light saber is by far the only one you’ll want to use. It has the ability to block bullets and slash off limbs using various moves. Basically, just swing it around like a maniac if you want and you’re bound to look cool and kill “Star Wars” something at the same time. In comparison Jedi Academy plays basically like Jedi Knight 2 except this time around you can ride, Won Tons (Those hairy ass, horse, goat creature thingy) and Speeder Bikes. The puzzles are easier and there are very few of them to solve. It’s all worth it for those intense scenes of action packed mayhem. The endings are also different depending on the choices you make further on in the game.

I found that it was slow moving at first but overall it was an enjoyable game. “You will buy this game”. ”You will enjoy it”. “I am your master”. “You will give me a backrub”. I just Jedi mind tricked your ass, now go do your master’s bidding.

“STAR WARS.”

8.5 out of 10 on my ass kick meter. — Chian

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