Gigli
Written and Directed by: Martin Brest
Starring: Bennifer Afflopez, Christopher Walken, Al Pacino

Oh dear lord where to start.

By now you’ve heard all the reviews trashing this flick, and its safe to say that they’re all right. Gigli, the first of two films to come out in these next few months from Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, is indeed as bad as you have heard. Maybe worse. Obviously most of the moviegoing public have thus far agreed, as at the time of writing, Gigli had just surpassed Manos: the Hands of Fate and this years From Justin to Kelly as the IMDB’s #1 worst movie of all time. Is it THAT bad? Well, not really, but it is arguably the worst romantic comedy/drama ever made. But for people like me, its that kind of bad that makes you want to sing and dance with glee at the horrors that lie within.

Whats not surprising is the direction itself is not bad. You’d suspect as much from Martin Brest, who although has made some other mediocre movies, like Meet Joe Black, isn’t the biggest hack out there. The acting, from most parties, is passable. Instead, what makes Gigli such as spectacular disaster of a movie comes from the whole idea in itself, reinforced by how unbelievable and stupid all the little things that carry the plot are. The plot of Gigli is very basic. It is about two hitmen who kidnap a boy with autism for their boss’ boss. For the remainder of this review, we will refer to this boy as ‘the retard’. Because as far as the filmmakers are concerned, that is all this boy is. One retard there for comic relief. “Ha ha he’s so out of it. He’s not like us!” Yay.

Ben Affleck is the pinnacle of miscast. Having actually enjoyed Affleck in many supporting roles over the years, its amazing that anyone would put him in this role, as he not to anyones surprise, is the most unconvincing thug in movie history. Ditto Lopez. He tries to look tough, threatening to send a local merchant through a spin cycle in a washing machine, but its just laughable. Ben plays his role like Vinny Barbarino. Is he supposed to be stupid, tough, or both? You don’t know, because everything seems like nothing turned out the way it was meant to be. Its all very very confusing. But for people like me who watch bad movies, this sort of thing is butter. It adds to the mystery. You want to know what the hell is going on. The movie begins to work for you on a different level.

So at his boss’ command, Larry Gigli (rhymes with really, as in the running gag about his last name is REALLY annoying) picks up the retard Brian from an institution and takes him awaytakes to his apartment. This kid, who looks more like Tom Hanks than Colin Hanks does by the way, is the brother of a federal proscecutor. Every cop in the state is looking for him. Gigli and Brian just chill at his apartment, letting everyone just stop by and visit. No big whoop. One of these such people is Jennifer Lopez, whose character goes by the false name of Ricki. She’s there to ‘make sure he doesn’t fuck up’, which is funny because these two end up just chilling at the apartment flirting and reading. Way to take control. Christopher Walken makes a cameo as a cop who already knows Gigli, and I guess he was just hanging at the studio, because his part doesn’t add anything to the storyline or anyones character. Walken hams it up as he tends to do when presented with bad material, talking about throwing food in Gigli’s face and other nonsense. And then he’s gone.

And it continues like this for around 2 hours, as Ricki, Gigli and Brian hang out and occasionally go out for food, just for a change of setting. No tension around the kidnapping, no hiding, ducking away, no chase, no danger. Not much happens at all, which is then you realize that maybe this movie is actually just about Gigli and Ricki, and the romantic subplot is actually what we’re supposed to care about. Which would make sense since that is what the advertising campaign is focused on. After Ricki reveals she’s a lesbian, and after Affleck embarrasses himself trying to pick her up (ha ha ha she was gay you dork you tried to pick up a gay chick hilarious!) they do the complete Chasing Amy storyline. I guess Brian is the Banky figure here. They become great friends, they do it, theres a special relationship with Brian between them all. But after everything she’s still gay so they break up.

The other story going on with their relationship with Brian will offend. The filmmakers shamelessly use Brian for a series of Rain Man-esque one liners about sex and music, making sure to use lots of cuss words, because cuss words from a retard are funny I suppose. They really milk this guy for humor. I can just imagine the producers meetings:

“Hey you remember the rapping granny? Well what if we make the retarded kid sing rap songs for no reason? Crowd pleasing!” Wait’ll you see Brain do his version of “Baby Got Back” as Gigli cuts the thumb of a corpse with a plastic knife and fork.

Repetitively, they have scenes where Brian retards is as retards does, only to have Gigli get annoyed and lash out. Then Gigli is sorry, and he looks at him with puppy dog eyes and a sympathetic score music comes up. You realize Brest is trying to portray that Gigli has heart. And autism is sad. Yet hilarious. Huh? This is evil at work. I can deal with both of these ideas within the scope of a movie, but if you’re trying to send a message, pick one and run with it.

Returning to the relationship between Ricki and Gigli, the ‘men vs. women’ dialogue is so badly composed it is embarrassing. I have no idea how these actors let these words pass their lips. Its bad enough when Affleck is looking in the mirror, psyching himself up for sex, yelling “I’m the bull, she’s the cow”, but its another when he announces that he is the “motherfucking rule of cool, slick, mack daddy, pimping” whatever. Yes, he uses all those words, and again, I have no idea if they’re serious or not. Are they trying to make Gigli look stupid, funny, tough? Lopez probably gets the most brutal lines in the movie, as while doing yoga, she goes on a monologue about the pride of having a vagina, spreading her legs and humping air as she speaks. It’s a crazy world when I feel sorry for Jennifer Lopez. After “turkey time” (I wont spoil that for you) I have not much less to say about the script but wow, I hope they paid you a lot for that, because this has Golden Raspberry written all over it.

Then Al Pacino shows up and kills some guy, and fish eat the guys brains. And then the movie is over. They do the parting of ways, the driving into the sunset, the repeating of various life lesson catchphrases they picked up from Gigli’s thong wearing momma, and its over.

Did I give too much away? I’m sorry if I did, but I can honestly say if you go see Gigli, you won’t be too upset about this, its still amazing even if you know what happens next. As far as bad movie entertainment goes, it nearly catches up with Showgirls, which is a very very hard task. Horrible yet entertaining and watchable, if you purposely go out to see bad movies, this is the jackpot. You wont forget it, ever. You might even buy the DVD. — Goon