Hell Comes To Frogtown (DVD)
Directed by: Donald G. Jackson, R.J. Kizer
Written by: Randall Frakes, Donald G. Jackson
Starring: Rowdy Roddy Piper, Sandahl Bergman, Rory Calhoun, William Smith

When the DVD format first arrived, the human race had a chance to erase many cultural blemishes from its history by simply choosing to re-release well-respected films. This would preserve only our finest art for future generations, while leaving all the crap to rot away in obscurity on VHS and/or Beta videocassette. Man… thank god that didn’t happen!

I’ve always said (well, I’m saying it now), that if good movies deserve high quality DVD releases, then so too do the bad movies… maybe even more than the good. I’m guessing the fine folks at Anchor Bay would whole-heartedly agree, and their decision to immortalize the movie Hell Comes To Frogtown on DVD is nothing short of heroic.

This is not to say that Hell Comes To Frogtown is really a bad movie. It just depends on your definition of “bad” I suppose, but I can honestly say it is one of the most outlandish, ridiculous, and hilarious cult sci-fi action films I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe that up until a few days ago, I hadn’t even heard of it… especially considering that the movie stars none other than former WWF superstar Rowdy Roddy Piper! This seems to have been his first feature film role, and probably the performance that convinced John Carpenter to cast him in They Live.

The movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world in the aftermath of a nuclear war, and as you might expect, most of the human race has been decimated. From the people that remain on the wasteland called Earth, women are now the dominant gender for some reason (maybe they outnumber the men), and infertility is a problem that threatens the survival of future generations of mankind. Enter Rowdy Roddy Piper, aka Sam Hell, one of the few fertile men left on the planet. He is captured by the female-run government and informed that it is his duty to save the world by impregnating as many women as possible. Don’t worry, this isn’t a porno (although there is plenty of T&A) — you see, fertile women are just as rare as fertile men. There is, however, a convenient harem of fertile women that have been enslaved by the evil Commander Toty in Frogtown… but first they must be rescued!

Oh yeah, the other thing I forgot to mention is that when the bombs were dropped, the radiation also created a race of humanoid mutant frogs. I bet the eggheads and bean counters didn’t plan on that! Commander Toty happens to be one of these renegade frogs, and so Sam must set off to Frogtown and free the women before he can courageously “lay some Pipe”, so to speak.

Luckily, he is not alone on his journey to Frogtown. He is accompanied by two government employees, one being Spangle (Sandahl Bergman — Conan The Barbarian), a stuck-up by-the-books Medtech officer in charge of protecting his family jewels. The other is Centinella (Cec Verrell), a bad ass militia woman who looks kind of like Lara Croft. Along the way they also meet up with “Looney Tunes” (Rory Calhoun), a crazy old timer who was a mentor to Sam back in the day.

In some ways Hell Comes To Frogtown seems almost like a spoof of Star Wars and Mad Max. (In fact, according to IMDB there are 2 sequels to this movie, the second of which is entitled “Toad Warrior”.) The movie is also quite original however, and stands on its own as a very uhhh… unique work of sci-fi/fantasy. Believe it or not, the special effects in the movie aren’t half bad either. The frog outfits look pretty cool, complete with the moving eyelids and other creepy animatic movements.

The movie is definitely not intended to be completely serious, and perhaps the most obvious campy element is the ridiculous protective device that Piper has to wear on his crotch. It is labelled “Property of Provisional Government”, and it is used to monitor his sperm count and other stuff. Of course, it also has a “flap”, for easy access during the fertilization process, and strangely enough, a built-in electrocution mechanism that can be controlled by Spangler in order to keep Sam in line. (He is only saving the world against his will after all.) The thing I don’t understand is, why would you want to electrocute the testicles of one of the only fertile men in the world?!

Rowdy Roddy Piper’s acting however, is the stuff that makes for legendary bad movies. He plays it all completely straight-faced, and yet his lack of emotion and grossly overdone machismo should be enough to make anyone crack a smile. There are also some classic lines in this movie, almost as good as Piper’s line from They Live about kicking ass and chewing bubblegum. I don’t want to spoil any of the surprises for you, but the point when I knew this movie was unstoppable was when Spangle is forced to dance suggestively for a mutant frog, and we are shown 3 moving bulges under his loincloth, followed by his announcement, “You have aroused the three snakes!”

There really is no good reason not to own Hell Comes To Frogtown on DVD. I found it at Zellers for like 8 bucks, and for a cheapo DVD, this is unbeatable value.

The video quality is pretty respectable, and it’s presented in 16×9 widescreen with Dolby stereo sound. It also comes with a trailer (hard to believe this was actually in theatres???) and an audio commentary track. Although the audio commentary is not very scene-specific (sounds almost like it could have been culled together from recorded interviews and conversations between the director and writer) it provides some interesting background and it’s more than I expected for a movie like this.

So yeah… as I mentioned, this movie has evil radioactive frogs with three penises, and Rowdy Roddy Piper saving the world with his sperm count! That’s probably all I needed to say right from the start. Track this flick down at all costs, you owe it to yourself to witness The Dance Of The Three Snakes at least once in your lifetime. — Sean