3000 Miles To Graceland (DVD)
Directed by: Demian Lichtenstein
Written by: Richard Recco, Demian Lichtenstein
Starring: Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell, Courteney Cox, Christian Slater, David Arquette, Jon Lovitz, Ice-T

I’ll start this review off where I would end it: GO RENT THIS MOVIE NOW. In fact, you should probably justread this paragraph and then come back after you’redone. 3000 Miles to Graceland is, without a doubt, oneof the greatest bad movies of all time, and yes, Ihave seen Mariah Carey’s “Glitter”. Me and m’lady arealready putting together a bad movie party with thisfilm as the centerpiece. It’s that bad.

The film is worth the rental for the opening titlesalone. Two CGI scorpions go head to head to thesounds of “Its Gonna Kill Me” by Filter. Never has asong title been so prophetic of a movie. This pieceof crap will rock you to death.

Now, all those things you heard about this movie beingabout a bunch of Elvis’s holding up a casino in Vegas?Lies. Sure, that happens in the movie, but thats allover within the first 15 minutes. You can guess whathappens to Christian Slater, and I guess he deservesit for “Very Bad Things”. But don’t worry, they madesure to kill the black guy first in a typical moviecliche. I hope you don’t consider these spoilers,because if you don’t see them coming, you might be aJeff Foxworthy joke.

The movie is really about the chase after the typicaltense “lets divide up the loot” scene. Michael (KurtRussell), the white trash Cybil (Courteney Cox) and herson rush off with the dollars while Murphy (KevinCostner) chases. Theres twists and turns and the lootgets passed back and forth like one of those keep-awaygames in cartoons. Kevin Costner is even cheesier inthis movie than in anything else I’ve seen him in. Not only does he look like a total dork in his getupand with his sideburns, he doesnt come across asthreatening at all, is very sensitive to anyone whodisses Elvis, as David Arquette learns in a totally unbelievable car discussion. Who the hell makes up a hypothetical fight between Sinatra and Elvis? Writers who are grasping at straws to build character, thats who. Pathetic. I imagine Courteney Cox begged director Demien Lichtenstein to give hubby Arquette a job. He’s probably gaining a lot of weight sitting on the couch waiting for a phone call. Nobody loves him.

Speaking of Cox, her character sucks a lot of them.Literally. Her character is the pure definition ofslut. You get more than what you bargained for theprice of a cup of coffee, I’ll tell you whut.

Kurt Russell. What else can I say about Kurt Russell?He’s always playing Snake. Bless him, you feel sorryfor him at times watching this tripe. He’s probablylonging for “Captain Ron 2″ now.

Ice T, Howie Long, Kevin Pollak, Jon Lovitz and ThomasHaden Church all appear for brief periods of time, butthey are mainly used to tell sexist jokes and getkilled. I’m surprised “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”wasnt on the soundtrack because thats what a goodamount of the movie is. Its overly violent and pretty anti-human, its one of those movies Roger Ebert calls “immoral”. This film really has no regard for human life. Or coherency, but thats another matter.

But like I mentioned, it’s so bad its funny. I’m sad tosay the DVD only has the base level of extras, but I’mnot too upset. Movies like this shouldnt be treatedwith the extra care. However I will say that thewidescreen format adds to the fun as it makes full useof it with its action sequences shots of CourteneyCox’s ass, both in bed and stuck in the face of KurtRussell as she retrieves the stolen goods held by herlittle brat, who I forgot to mention does the typicallittle kid-wants-to-be-a-gangster trip by askingRussell if he can be his partner in crime.

After the movies subsequent action movie deathsequences (Costner is no Scarface) and good-guyresolution, we are treated to a hilarious music video.Kurt Russell does a formidable Elvis impression as helip syncs Presleys catchy “It was a Night” over clipsof the movie, Cox shaking her ass and Costner makingretarded gun poses while smoking a cigar. And I knowthat on most DVDs, people don’t really care about thetrailer, but watch the one for 3kMTG, its a good one.

So like I said, go rent this flick, its hilarious, andif you’ve got a 2 for 1 coupon, pick up “Glitter” tooand listen to the directors commentary, full of itsstuttering and artsy fartsy “its about hope” speeches. Some real idiots make movies these days. Bless ‘em.Bless ‘em all. — The Pretentious Goon