3000 Miles To Graceland (DVD)
Directed by: Demian Lichtenstein
Written by: Richard Recco, Demian Lichtenstein
Starring: Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell, Courteney Cox, Christian Slater, David Arquette, Jon Lovitz, Ice-T

I’ll start this review off where I would end it: GO RENT THIS MOVIE NOW. In fact, you should probably justread this paragraph and then come back after you’redone. 3000 Miles to Graceland is, without a doubt, oneof the greatest bad movies of all time, and yes, Ihave seen Mariah Carey’s “Glitter”. Me and m’lady arealready putting together a bad movie party with thisfilm as the centerpiece. It’s that bad.

The film is worth the rental for the opening titlesalone. Two CGI scorpions go head to head to thesounds of “Its Gonna Kill Me” by Filter. Never has asong title been so prophetic of a movie. This pieceof crap will rock you to death.

Now, all those things you heard about this movie beingabout a bunch of Elvis’s holding up a casino in Vegas?Lies. Sure, that happens in the movie, but thats allover within the first 15 minutes. You can guess whathappens to Christian Slater, and I guess he deservesit for “Very Bad Things”. But don’t worry, they madesure to kill the black guy first in a typical moviecliche. I hope you don’t consider these spoilers,because if you don’t see them coming, you might be aJeff Foxworthy joke.

The movie is really about the chase after the typicaltense “lets divide up the loot” scene. Michael (KurtRussell), the white trash Cybil (Courteney Cox) and herson rush off with the dollars while Murphy (KevinCostner) chases. Theres twists and turns and the lootgets passed back and forth like one of those keep-awaygames in cartoons. Kevin Costner is even cheesier inthis movie than in anything else I’ve seen him in. Not only does he look like a total dork in his getupand with his sideburns, he doesnt come across asthreatening at all, is very sensitive to anyone whodisses Elvis, as David Arquette learns in a totally unbelievable car discussion. Who the hell makes up a hypothetical fight between Sinatra and Elvis? Writers who are grasping at straws to build character, thats who. Pathetic. I imagine Courteney Cox begged director Demien Lichtenstein to give hubby Arquette a job. He’s probably gaining a lot of weight sitting on the couch waiting for a phone call. Nobody loves him.

Speaking of Cox, her character sucks a lot of them.Literally. Her character is the pure definition ofslut. You get more than what you bargained for theprice of a cup of coffee, I’ll tell you whut.

Kurt Russell. What else can I say about Kurt Russell?He’s always playing Snake. Bless him, you feel sorryfor him at times watching this tripe. He’s probablylonging for “Captain Ron 2″ now.

Ice T, Howie Long, Kevin Pollak, Jon Lovitz and ThomasHaden Church all appear for brief periods of time, butthey are mainly used to tell sexist jokes and getkilled. I’m surprised “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”wasnt on the soundtrack because thats what a goodamount of the movie is. Its overly violent and pretty anti-human, its one of those movies Roger Ebert calls “immoral”. This film really has no regard for human life. Or coherency, but thats another matter.

But like I mentioned, it’s so bad its funny. I’m sad tosay the DVD only has the base level of extras, but I’mnot too upset. Movies like this shouldnt be treatedwith the extra care. However I will say that thewidescreen format adds to the fun as it makes full useof it with its action sequences shots of CourteneyCox’s ass, both in bed and stuck in the face of KurtRussell as she retrieves the stolen goods held by herlittle brat, who I forgot to mention does the typicallittle kid-wants-to-be-a-gangster trip by askingRussell if he can be his partner in crime.

After the movies subsequent action movie deathsequences (Costner is no Scarface) and good-guyresolution, we are treated to a hilarious music video.Kurt Russell does a formidable Elvis impression as helip syncs Presleys catchy “It was a Night” over clipsof the movie, Cox shaking her ass and Costner makingretarded gun poses while smoking a cigar. And I knowthat on most DVDs, people don’t really care about thetrailer, but watch the one for 3kMTG, its a good one.

So like I said, go rent this flick, its hilarious, andif you’ve got a 2 for 1 coupon, pick up “Glitter” tooand listen to the directors commentary, full of itsstuttering and artsy fartsy “its about hope” speeches. Some real idiots make movies these days. Bless ‘em.Bless ‘em all. — The Pretentious Goon

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 (Gamecube)
Developed by: Neversoft
Published by: Activision

Well what really can be said about this game that hasn’t already been said? The Tony Hawk series has given us three of the most popular video games in recent years, and with good reason. The 3rd installment has been a system seller for both the PS2 and the Gamecube, and could very well end up selling a few X-Boxes when it is finally released on that system too. Myself, I just recently bought a Gamecube, and as you might suspect, this is the game I brought home with it.

I was a fan of the original game (and yeah, I played it on the N64), but for the most part I missed out on Tony Hawk 2. I don’t own a Playstation, and although I played part 2 for a little bit on the PC, I had to forfeit my ability to play it when I upgraded my computer to Windows 2000. Despite skipping a step in the progression of the series, I found THPS3 picks up pretty close to where part 1 left off.

There are two important new moves that I had to master: the manual, and the revert. The manual was introduced in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2; it is the equivalent of “popping a wheelie” on your board, and it is used to connect grinds between objects that are too far apart to olly between. The revert, on the other hand, is new to THPS3, and it is used to combine ramp tricks into a combination of grinds and manuals. I guess the general consensus is that people weren’t doing many vert tricks in THPS2 because there was no way to connect the tail end of one with another series of tricks. This is why they invented the revert. However, it’s a little complicated because in order to continue your trick combo you have to do a revert as you land, and then also pull a manual directly afterward. Thankfully, with the new tutorial feature in THPS3, you can interactively learn each of these fundamental moves from Tony Hawk himself! Although the tutorial is kind of cheesy, it did help me learn the revert maneuver, and I can see it being very helpful for people who are complete Tony Hawk rookies.

There are tons of other new tricks and detailed animations for them, but the controls and the basic gameplay haven’t changed at all, which is good, because Neversoft had those nailed down tight the first time around. One cool new feature allows you to customize the controls for your special tricks (you know, the superhuman moves that yield big points and can only be executed when the special meter is flashing). You start off with 4 available slots for special tricks, and you can earn more as you continue through the game. In the original THPS, most of these special moves were vert tricks, but now there are special grinds and special manuals, which are actually more useful in building up high scores.

Of course, this wouldn’t really be a new game without all new levels, and there was obviously a lot of hard work put into the 8+ levels found in THPS3.They have continued to add more interactive objects in the levels, and more creative goals, which greatly enhances the overall enjoyment of the game. Each level feels very realistic because of the various people that inhabit the areas through which you are skating. For example, in the Foundry level there are workers tending to their controls, and in the Suburbia level there are hostile construction workers and a couple guys having a barbecue in their backyard. Often the goals require you to interact with some of the characters, and just skating near different characters in the game will invariably result in them delivering some sort of amusing quip in one of many odd voices. In the Canada level, one of the required goals is to impress five fellow skaters who are hanging around some of the ramps. If you pull off some impressive moves in front of them, they shout encouragement, but if you “bail” they will jeer and scoff at you (in stereotypical “Canadian” accents). Details like these are what make Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 a considerable improvement on a game that was nearly perfect to begin with.

The soundtrack for part 3 is not quite as classic as the original’s, and although I expected to hate it, I must admit it’s pretty tolerable even after hearing each song for the umpteenth time. There is a wide variety of music, from “skate punk” to garage rock n roll to hip hop to rap-metal. Having Motorhead as the main theme to the game kicks ass, and the inclusion of A.F.I., Bodyjar and The Reverend Horton Heat was also a bonus. Some of the hip hop didn’t seem all that conducive to skateboarding, but I suppose there are some who would disagree with me there. The cool thing is, you have the option of turning on and off certain songs in the playlist to suit your tastes if you so desire. A couple of observations: the chorus of the song “Amoeba” by The Adolescents sounds as if they are chanting “Tony Hawk”, which makes me wonder if that’s precisely why they chose it for the soundtrack. Another thing I noticed is that the Ramones song, “Blitzkrieg Bop” is censored, believe it or not. In THPS1, the Dead Kennedys song “Police Truck” was understandably censored on the Playstation, and completely instrumental on the N64. But you have to wonder what could possibly be wrong with a Ramones song? It’s not that noticeable, but if you listen closely to the line, “Hey ho, let’s go/ Shoot him in the back now”, you’ll notice that it sort of skips over the phrase “shoot him”. Does this mean that Nintendo believes The Ramones are at least partly to blame for the Columbine high school shoot-out? You know, I thought the Big N was taking strides to improve their “goody two-shoes” image, and there’s certainly plenty of blood in THPS3 on the Cube, but stupid little things like this are just lame.

Anyways, let’s look at some of the other features in THPS3.

The create-a-skater option is a lot of fun. It’s completely unnecessary, but the flexibility makes for hours of fun in my book. It’s ridiculous the amount of detail you can build into a character.. everything right down to adding logos on shirts and tattoos on arms. The wide range of hats and glasses can generate some really bizarre looking people. You can even give your skater an afro or a mullet. What more could you possibly want? They also finally corrected a sexist oversight in THPS2, in that you can now create female skaters as well.

The create-a-park feature is cool, but it makes a little more sense for a game on a PC or a game system with network capabilities. As it stands right now, the Gamecube has no forum through which people can exchange their custom-made levels, except to bring your memory card directly over to your friend Jim’s house. I haven’t really had time to sit down and try putting together a full blown skatepark yet, but I like knowing that the option will be there once I have exhausted all of the game’s built-in levels.

The Gamecube version of this game plays extremely well, and from what I’ve heard, the graphics are a little crisper and smoother than on the PS2. The Gamecube controller has a really nice design to it, and although the button placement is slightly different from the Playstation, I think even the most seasoned Playstation gamers would only need a few runs to get used to the configuration. On the Gamecube, you get all of the reward videos that are found on the Playstation game, although they are of a slightly lesser quality. (Unlike the Nintendo 64 version of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, where there was simply not enough storage space for the videos to appear at all.) The only real drawback to the Gamecube version of the game is that it is limited to a 2 person multiplayer option, and possesses no on-line capabilities, unlike the PS2 game.

This game can be pretty challenging for the average game player. It requires a fair amount of timing and co-ordination in order to rack up some seriously “sick” scores in the game, and you will definitely need to practice a lot. But the open-endedness and replayability of the game makes it a pleasure to try for the same objective over and over again, and when you finally achieve that objective, the sense of accomplishment makes you wet your pants. Not to mention the fact that you will want to try and finish all the levels with each of the different skaters because of the unique reward videos. This isn’t as repetitive as it sounds though. They have managed to change up some of the goals on each course depending on what skater you use. Sometimes the S-K-A-T-E letters and hidden tapes are moved around, and other times a required trick will alternate based on the style of the skater you are using (ie. street vs. vert). Then of course there are some hidden characters to be unlocked (hint: think Sith) and hidden levels too (apparently some of the levels from the original game).

Basically, it all adds up to a game that really is, as the saying goes, more addictive than crack-cocaine. You know that this is a game that really gets inside your head when you are walking down the street and you start to notice rails and other grindable objects and absent-mindedly look for ways to connect them to one another. It’s sort of like when you play Tetris for an extended period of time and then when you go to bed, you still see shapes floating in front of your eyes and furiously try to fit these phantom shapes together in your mind. (Or am I just a freak? Wait.. don’t answer that question…)

Needless to say, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 is a worthy investment, and a damn fine reason to own a Gamecube (or a PS2). In the near future I envision the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater series becoming a franchise in the vein of EA’s sports games. Soon it will not be Tony Hawk 3 or 4, it will be Tony Hawk 2003, 2004, etc, with a new version coming every year, and each game featuring new levels and a few minor improvements, while still keeping true to the gameplay of the original. That’s exactly what THPS3 does, it expands and enhances a classic game without taking anything away. To put it in terms the kids will understand: THPS3 is like a noseblunt fakie to indy kickflip boneless… and then some. — Sean

Max Payne (PC)
Developed by: Remedy
Published by: 3D Realms

Like most games, I first heard about Max Payne through my good friend Chian. I got a vague impression of the game from him that included little tidbits of information such as the fact that it utilizes “bullet time” and the fact that it is very reminiscent of a John Woo film. (Well he didn’t exactly say it like that.) To be sure, it sounded interesting, but I did not think this game would really be my kind of thing. Most of the first person shooter games coming out nowadays are so generic and ridiculously violent that I simply can’t understand the attraction.

But this game… well it’s a little different. For starters, it’s actually a third person shooter, so you aren’t as likely to get dizzy from playing long hours on this one. And although it’s violent, there’s no doubt about that, it’s not mindless or emotionally devoid. It’s actually rather gripping. In fact, you can’t help but be emotionally involved after sitting through the introductory scene, where you return home from work only to find your wife and child murdered. The story is nothing particularly original, but it is the way in which the story is delivered that sets this game apart from anything I’ve played before. The developers of this game worked hard to give it atmosphere, and it paid off big time.

The story is told as a flashback. As the game’s intro starts, police sirens are heard swirling in the background, police helicopters are shown sweeping a city in the dead of night. They converge on a tall skyscraper, and the camera pans up. This is when the narration takes over, and we step into the role of the game’s central character, undercover cop Max Payne. (Stupid name, I know, but just go with it, okay?)

In between scenes, there are panels of comic book style artwork with voice over narration that add to the mood and propel the story ahead. During gameplay, there are also some brief cut scenes, but they are quick enough to add emotional impact without detracting from the gameplay. Whereas a game like Metal Gear Solid may have overdone the cut scenes a little bit, Max Payne uses them to perfection.

A large part of the game’s atmosphere comes from the music and sound department.You know that a lot of thought has been put into this game when you switch to the in-game options menu and hear faint echos of sombre piano music rather than loud jarring techno or some other trendy noise.

The graphics in Max Payne are polished and crisp. Although I don’t really concern myself with graphical details much as of late (I stopped being impressed by high resolution games that look pretty but play like crap) this game is definitely a visual treat. The levels in Max Payne have are amazingly detailed, and the use of shadows and lighting is an important element of the game’s dark tone. The scenes are extremely immersive and heighten suspense because of their realism. As soon as you step into the subway in scene 1, you feel like you’re right there inside the game.

The controls are, for the most part, very intuitive and seamless. I have yet to experience any moments of frustration while playing Max Payne… well, none that involve the controls anyway. The 3-d camera movement is smooth and intelligent, and there aren’t two billion different key combinations to remember, which makes me a happy man.

The big “gimmick” for Max Payne, is the use of bullet time slow-motion during gunfights. Bullet time is a phrase that was coined by the makers of The Matrix, and it refers to the arbitrary shifting of time in order to create a dramatic effect during an action sequence. Basically, you right-click with your mouse and Max Payne will move and lunge in slow motion, giving you time to take aim at the bad guys, while also looking cool in the process. Of course, there is a bullet time counter that limits the amount of time you can move in slow motion. While ultimately it is just a gimmick, it’s a very cool one that enhances both the visual style and cinematic appeal of the game. It takes a little while to get the hang of it, but once you’ve got it down, you won’t ever want to fire a gun in real time again.

So what’s missing? Well, there’s no multiplayer mode, which seems odd for an action game like this, but when you stop to think about it, how the hell could you ever make bullet time work over a network? It just doesn’t seem feasible. Bullet time is a concept that involves altering one individual’s perception of the action; from their point of view, everything appears to be in slow motion. The question is, how can you possibly slow down the action on one person’s computer, but leave everything at regular speed on the others? I certainly don’t have the answer, and apparently they didn’t either.

They did, however, put together a Max Payne editing system, so while you can’t “frag” your friends in bullet time, at least you can trade mods and custom levels with them. This was a smart move on the part of Remedy, as it is sure to add some replay value to the game.

Although I am not a hardcore fan of action games, I am hard pressed to find fault with this one. At times, the overwhelming grit and the dark, brooding atmosphere are admittedly a little hard to take seriously. (The dialogue and narration in particular deserve a bit of a snicker every now and then.) But anyone who has enjoyed a John Woo film knows that the cornball dialogue and melodrama are all part of the fun.

To summarize: in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a shoot em up action game — but it’s a damn good one. So good, in fact, that you will probably see it released on all of the next-generation game systems this coming year. Max Payne is a unique and unforgettable gaming experience… one that will probably cloned to death by every other game company very shortly. But I guess that’s the price you pay for being on the cutting edge of video game innovation.– Sean

Orange County
Directed by: Jake Kasdan
Written by: Mike White
Starring: Colin Hanks, Jack Black, Schuyler Fisk, John Lithgow, Catherine O’Hara, Harold Ramis

Like many other Jack Black fans, I have been waiting for Jack’s big breakthrough performance. He has been around for awhile, landing small parts in “Bob Roberts” and “the Cable Guy” , and his most famed role as a snarky store clerk in “High Fidelity”

It was the latter of those I mentioned, as well as an HBO series based on his band Tenacious D where he really started to get attention. He’s had chances since then that havent really worked out in the form of “Saving Silverman” and “Shallow Hal”. There really hasnt been a successful film vehicle to appropriately show Jacks dirty, funny-yet-sorta-vulgar humor.

With the Orange County trailers, it would seem that Jack had been put in a buddy comedy with Colin Hanks (yes, Tom Hanks’ son, we’ll get to that). All the posters have them billed as co-stars. I expected a big heap of Jack Black as a dirty, stoner brother. This character, I thought, IS PERFECT for Black, and should propell him to a new level of notoriety.

Well, I’m sad to report three words: bait and switch. Jack Black isnt in this movie half as much as the trailers would make you believe. Its not that this role still wasn’t perfect for Black (because it is). Its just disappointing to be let down by not enough of a good thing. I wanted more from this film, and it didn’t want to give me what it promised.

Oh, the movie itself? Colin Hanks plays Shaun Brumder, who is a high school student who has decided to enroll to Stamford in order to get away from the city, which isnt exactly, as Shaun says “a good environment for an aspiring writer”. One would have to agree, with Shauns stoner friends trying to divert him from his goals, his divorced parents not really paying attention to him, and his stoner brother Lance (Black) being “an embarrassment”.

A series of events that should garner laughs but really only induce “Meet the Parents”-esque “I feel sorry for that guy” moments cause Shaun to lose his spot at Stamford. Since his counsellor (a cameo by Lily Tomlin) said he was a ’shoo-in’, Shaun hasnt applied anywhere else. He is truly screwed. So of course, he and Lance take off to Stamford to try to convince the Admissions staff to take him back in, as well he sorta roams around and gets a little bit of what its like at college. Again, more falling, hurting, misunderstandings and things misplaced of the “Meet the Parents” variety make everything look hopeless for Shaun. Hanks does good in his role as Shaun, playing him as a smart kid who you worry for. Its pretty fun to see just how much he is like his dad, from his expressions to the same wacky screaming. Compare “Because thats what you do after high school!” to “There’s no crying in baseball!” and you’ll see what I mean.

Meanwhile, Lance does his own wandering around the campus which results in much funnier results. The best sequences of the film are with Black (of course), particularly a scene between Lance and Ben Stiller, in another of a countless amount of cameos.

I’m sure what I have listed sounds like a decent film. It should have been and could have been if they had focused on these characters. However, there are several x-factors I have to mention.

You see, Shaun has a girlfriend named Ashley (Schuyler Fisk, the redheaded best friend in “snow day”). She doesnt want Shaun to leave, even going so far as praying that he stays in Orange County. However, she still tags along for pretty much EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. She’s about as funny as a broomstick, has less personality as a broomstick, and if I had the choice of having sex with Schuyler Fisk or a broomstick, I’m picking the broomstick. Fisk is so damned ugly I could weep. I would usually never try to bring someones looks into a review, but I really feel strongly about this case. Her face - it hurts me.

Also, a Catherine O’Hara/John Lithgow subplot doesnt really go anywhere but to lead to a deus ex machina ending with a message that doesnt really make sense considering the way the characters were portrayed, and considering how people really think.

In its defence, Orange County is never stupid or pandering. It is not a typical teen movie (thank god), but I’m not sure the majority of the teen audience really appreciated it. It plays out like the series premiere of a TV show, where it would be much more watchable and forgiving of the parents subplot. I’d suggest the writers focus on that medium instead, but they did, and it was called “Freaks and Geeks” and no one watched. Will the writers do better next time round? I think they will, as theres enough good in this film to hold hope. Cross your fingers. — The Goon

The Royal Tenenbaums
Directed by: Wes Anderson
Written by: Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson
Starring: Gene Hackman, Ben Stiller, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anjelica Huston, Bill Murray, Danny Glover

Q. When is a comedy not a comedy?
A. When it’s a Wes Anderson film.

If you’ve seen the movie Rushmore, you will probably know what I’m getting at here. Director Wes Anderson and co-writer Owen Wilson have a very distinctive sense of humour, and it’s one that may tickle your funnybone, or it might just leave you staring blankly at the screen. Predicting which of these two reactions you will have when viewing The Royal Tenenbaums, however, is not an easy thing.

The likelihood of laughter and amusement is greatly increased if you have previously seen Rushmore and found it enjoyable. By the same token, if you saw Rushmore and didn’t laugh once… well, then, you probably want to stay as far away from The Royal Tenenbaums as possible. The only real guarantee, however, is that after seeing The Royal Tenenbaums you will have adopted one of two opinions: Wes Anderson is a genius, or Wes Anderson comes from another planet where humour, as we know it, does not exist.

The humour in these films is hit or miss, not because of the fact that it may be offensive to some viewers, or because it’s poorly written, but simply because the humour is so subtle, and so completely deadpan, that you can easily miss the jokes if you’re not actively looking for them. This is part of the charm of Wes Anderson’s movies: he doesn’t give any indication as to when you should laugh and when you shouldn’t. That’s up to you to decide.

The Royal Tenenbaums, in a nutshell, is about a dysfunctional family. Royal Tenenbaum (Gene Hackman) is the father of 2 boys and one adopted daughter. All three of the children were prodigies at a young age; Chas Tenenbaum (Ben Stiller) was an accounting whiz, Margot Tenenbaum (Gwenyth Paltrow) was an award-winning playwright, and Richie Tenenbaum (Luke Wilson) was a tennis star. Despite the tremendous potential they showed as youngsters, the three children grew up to be neurotic, lonely, and depressed. Royal Tenenbaum has since left his wife, Ethel (Angelica Huston) although they never got an official divorce, and he suddenly finds himself experiencing a bit of a mid-life crisis. He wants to make amends with his loved ones. He wants to enjoy life with his children, and maybe even win back the affection of his wife. This strangely coincides with the children’s realization that they miss each other’s company, and so the whole family ends up moving back into the same house to be together again.

Needless to say, the film features a colourful assortment of oddball characters. In addition to the immediate members of the Tenenbaum family, the movie boasts memorable performances from Danny Glover, Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, and Wes Anderson’s non-actor friend, Kumar Pallana, who Anderson has managed to cast in all of his previous films as well. The film is also narrated by Alec Baldwin.

Aside from the familiar cast and a similar sense of humour, The Royal Tenenbaums bears many other stylistic resemblances to Rushmore. The score was once again done by Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh, and the soundtrack also features classic 70’s rock music. Anderson’s infatuation with documentary style quick shots, bold captions and voice over narration is also revisited here.

Another thing that sticks out about Anderson’s movies is the amount of care that he puts into the costumes, sets, and the “mise en scene” (ie. the arrangement of objects in the scenes). There are many carefully hidden jokes and references that lie below the surface of this film; things like the black Adidas track suits that Chas and his sons wear to the funeral, and the stack of porn movies just out of focus in Elijah’s apartment. It is little details like these that make a movie worth watching over and over again, and thus it is details like these that spawn a cult following. But it is also little details like these that can often go unnoticed by the average movie viewer.

I certainly appreciated the unique style of The Royal Tenenbaums, and I thought that it had its share of hilarious moments, there was still something about it that didn’t sit quite right with me, something that I felt prevented it from reaching the same level of perfection that Rushmore had achieved. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but allow me to suggest a few possibilities.

First of all, there are a lot of characters here, each competing for screen time, and each with their own eccentricities and personas. It’s difficult to identify with any one character, and the elaborate back story slows down the pace of the movie a bit. Rushmore was more effective because it focused on one or two quirky characters, as opposed to say… ten. I also think that with the multitude of quirky characters, The Royal Tenenbaums needed a normal or mundane character to ground the film, and to provide contrast to the off-the-wall antics.

The other thing is, all the characters in the film were just so damn depressed all the time, it was kind of a downer, and made it difficult to laugh sometimes, even though I’m pretty sure Wes Anderson wanted us to. One of the amusing aspects of Rushmore was the fact that Max was an insecure teenager who took things way too seriously. We could laugh at him because we knew things weren’t really as dramatic as he made them out to be, but we could also empathize with him, because he was just a kid and he didn’t know any better. The Royal Tenenbaums is a much darker comedy, in fact, almost too dark to be funny. It’s a delicate balance to try and maintain. Not only do you risk losing laughs by injecting sadness, but on the flipside, you could also risk losing any credibility that the characters might have by making them silly and cartoony. During some of the more sentimental moments of the film, I thought it was hard to take any of the characters seriously because of this.

In the end, I found myself asking if there was really a point to it all. There’s too much long-winded storytelling and not enough straightforward jokes for it to be a simple comedy, and yet, there’s not enough genuine emotion for it to be moving. Style, the movie’s definitely got, but substance? I don’t know… I’m not so sure.

The Royal Tenenbaums was certainly one of the most original movies of the year. (That is, unless you consider a reproduction of one’s own work to be unoriginal.) I did think that it was clever, colourful and genuinely funny, but for whatever reason, I just didn’t think it was as lovable as Rushmore was. Maybe it was just too much of a good thing, if that’s possible. However, Wes Anderson’s movies are definitely an acquired taste, so I think that perhaps multiple viewings might clear things up for me.

I would definitely say that this is one of those movies you’ll either love or hate; there’s just no room for opinions in between. I would say that… except for the fact that I myself am standing somewhere in the middle ground. Go figure. — Sean

Ocean’s 11
Directed by: Steven Soderbergh
Written by: Ted Griffin, George Clayton Johnson, Jack Golden Russell, Harry Brown, Charles Lederer
Starring: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia

This review would be from the viewpoint of someone who hasn’t seen the original Ocean’s 11. However, it is from the viewpoint of someone who has seen other works by Steven Soderbergh so shove it.

One thing that really sucks about this movie is that it’s going to be known for its cast rather than the actual movie. I guess this would relate to the original, seeing as the cast was pretty much made up of the infamous “Rat Pack” (Sammy D, Frank S, and all those other rats), but one thing that the original was lucky enough not to have was Julia Fucking Roberts (Hook). She may not be box office poison, but she certainly looks like a monkey, especially in this movie. That dinner scene? Give me a break. She might as well have been sitting in front of a platter full of bananas and popsicles, speaking to George Clooney (Attack of the Killer Tomatoes part 2, Facts of Life, Batman and Robin) in sign language.

Fortunately, the rest of the cast are superstars worthy of their status. Brad Pitt (Cool World) is definitely bad ass. He does have his shit love dramas, but he was very good in Seven, Fight Club, True Romance, and countless others. Then there’s Clooney, an actor that is totally overshadowed by his People’s Most Attractive Male status. Clooney kicks ass. Just look at the facts: From Dusk Till Dawn, Out Of Sight, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? Those are some kick ass movies. Then there’s Don Cheadle (Fresh Prince of Bel Air), who seems to have become a staple in Soderbergh films. And of course there little Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting) and Casey Affleck (Good Will Hunting), brother to Ben (ARMAGEDDON, Buffy The Vampire Slayer). Okay, enough with the fucking cast already.

So the story is George Clooney’s character, Danny Ocean, gets out of prison. He meets up with Brad Pitt, whose character works on movies training actors how to properly play poker for their films. This makes way for some cameos by many teen icons including that guy from That 70’s Show, that guy from Dawson’s Creek, that guy from American Pie and Evolution, and three other people I didn’t recognize. Probably from some WB shows. So Pitt and Clooney start to discuss a heist where they will rob a Las Vegas casino. Something that no one has ever come close to successfully achieving (as we are shown in a few cool flashbacks). So they decide to put together a team of the best thieves around. Enter ensemble cast of stars. Once that is complete, the robbery begins.

Then there’s the whole side story about Julia Roberts as Clooney’s ex, who is now married to the owner of the casino (Andy Garcia) they are going to rob, but that’s not important.

Basically this movie is a typical caper flick, straight out of the seventies. It’s very similar in style to Soderbergh’s Out Of Sight. It totally fits in with that Elmore Leonard group of movies (Out of Sight, Get Shorty, Jackie Brown), even though the story was not written by him. The story and style play off of each other quite well, although it is weird watching a retro style movie with high tech gadgetry. I guess that would be one complaint to mention. The fun part of the movie is watching these 11 guys figure out how to rob a vault that seems impossible to penetrate, but once you finally see them do it it’s a little dissapointing that the story relies on some unexplained high-tech gadgets to get the job done. It’s not a big deal, but it just seems like a cheat to invent tools to help them along their way.

Anyways, that’s definitely not enough to ruin the fun of the movie. It’s fast paced, full of kick ass music (another similarity to Out of Sight), and the cast is good. All of this is enough to send Ocean’s 11 sailing aboard the S.S. “11″ down the “Ocean’s” watery path of glory. Any movie that uses a split screen is good in my books. — Jay

Ghosts Of Mars
Directed by: John Carpenter
Written by: Larry Sulkis, John Carpenter
Starring: Ice Cube, Natasha Henstridge, Pam Grier, Jason Statham

John Carpenter is a cult filmmaker in every sense of the word. Although he has had a few fleeting moments of mainstream success, such as with Big Trouble In Little China and Halloween, the majority of his films are never experienced by a very large moviegoing audience. Rather, they are digested and cherished by many underground fans who know exactly what to expect when they watch a John Carpenter movie: sudden scares, slow moments of gut wrenching suspense, and western-style bad ass heroics. Rarely are Carpenter’s fans ever let down in this regard.

In recent years however, Carpenter has arguably worked his way into a little bit of a rut. He caught more than his share of flack for his last 3 movies (Village Of the Damned, Escape From L.A. and Vampires) and for the most part, with good reason. Although most long-time directors have a stinker or two under their belts, it was a little disconcerting that Carpenter just happened to produce three of his least impressive movies consecutively, one after the other.

I honestly had no idea what to expect next. Would John Carpenter’s work continue to deteriorate, as he faded away into anonymity? Or would he surprise everyone and redeem himself with his best flick in a long time?

Well, Carpenter gave us Ghosts Of Mars, which certainly did not look to be a winner, by any stretch of the imagination. I think most people would agree with me there, because it didn’t do too well in theatres. But you know, you just can’t judge a movie by its cover, because with Ghosts Of Mars, Carpenter came to do two things: make a damn good movie, and chew bubblegum. And he ran out of Hubba Bubba.

Ghosts Of Mars in a way, feels like a slightly modernized John Carpenter movie, but not in that cheesy Dracula 2000 kind of way. It’s set on Mars, but the sci-fi element is thankfully understated, serving little purpose other than as an interesting backdrop and a slight change of scenery for Carpenter.

The story is as follows:In the future, Mars is colonized. (Human society is also matriarchal, but this is never really explored much.) Members of the police force are called upon to do a prisoner transfer for a dangerous outlaw who is suspected of committing a series of murders. When they arrive however, they find the city deserted. A “ghost town” if you will. Slowly they realize that there is something strange going on. The townspeople have been possessed by something, turning them into bloodthirsty zombie type creatures. The prisoner transfer becomes meaningless, as the only way for them to for survive is to team up with the prisoner and his posse in an attempt to escape.

The prisoner, in case you hadn’t guessed, is played by Ice Cube, and his name is “Desolation” Williams. He is the quintessential John Carpenter anti-hero, and although he seems out of place in this movie at first, it doesn’t take long for you to realize that Cube is the man. The head police officer is played by Natasha Henstridge, best known for her role as the alien in Species. She is one female cop you don’t want to mess with. Apparently this role was originally supposed to be played by Courtney Love. I would have liked to see her kick some ass, but unfortunately she was sick or something and had to pull out. I’m not complaining about Henstridge though. It’s true, that she does have a wooden, emotionless acting style, but it worked for her Linda Hamilton/Sigourney Weaver type character.

One of the other police officers is played by Jason Statham, who most will remember from Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. He plays the stereotypical womanizer who tries to get some action from the hard ass (and hard body) female cop.

There are many classic John Carpenter elements in Ghosts Of Mars.

First of all, Carpenter loves his framed narratives. A good chunk of this story is told through flashbacks, which some people may find annoying. John Carpenter fans, however, will find it all too familiar.

The story itself is also bares similarities to some of his previous movies. First of all, there is the deserted, isolated setting. This is a classic element of horror movies in general, and John Carpenter has used it to great effect in movies like The Thing. There is also the sense of being trapped and surrounded, and this recalls previous Carpenter flicks like Prince Of Darkness and Assault On Precinct 13.

In keeping with tradition, Carpenter also wrote his own music for this film. In the early stages of the movie, while the crew is exploring the deserted town, his patented slow, brooding score heightens the suspense. This time there is a slightly electronic feel to his music, which suits the futuristic setting well. But it gets better — Carpenter also colloborated with Anthrax for some of the tunes on the soundtrack. About halfway through the movie, as it changes gears from a suspense horror movie to all out action, the heavy metal rains down a thunderous din that sort of spoils the atmosphere, but on the other hand, is pretty damn funny.

A lot of the imagery in the movie is some of the freakiest stuff I’ve seen in a long time. The zombies look like something out of a White Zombie or Marilyn Manson video (and this actually melds well with the heavy metal soundtrack), but despite how that may sound, they don’t look cheesy. At least not until they get set on fire. They are menacing and grotesque, with pieces of metal pushed into their faces, and other various forms of self-mutilation evident on their bodies. The “leader” of the zombies is this huge monstrosity that towers over everyone else, and emits howls of rage while chasing down people with a big ass club.

The action scenes are at times overwhelming. I can’t remember the last time I saw this many huge co-ordinated fight scenes that just made my jaw drop from the sheer magnitude of on-screen chaos. There is also one scene where they are trying to hold off the zombies from getting into the building, and they take turns loading their guns and shooting, and the zombies just keep pouring through the doors in huge numbers. The way it is shot and edited keeps you on the edge of your seat.

I think the only weak point of the movie was the beginning. The first 5 or 10 minutes had me squirming in my seat because the characters all seemed really lame and cliched, and there was a lot of bad dialogue. In particular, Pam Grier was pretty terrible in her role as the commanding officer, who apparently was also a lesbian. Don’t ask me what that was all about. Luckily she isn’t around long enough to bring the whole movie down.

Ghosts Of Mars is a little rough around the edges, but it still redeems Carpenter in a big way. This is what I love about John Carpenter: He makes horror movies that are genuinely frightening (in itself, a difficult task in this day and age), and he also adds good old testosterone fueled action and elements of westerns. His movies may not have any sort of message or artistic statement, but they’re just good fun.

If you are a John Carpenter fan, a horror movie fan, or an action movie fan, then you should consider checking out this film.As long as you approach it with an optimistic point of view and a sense of humour, you should be quite pleasantly surprised by John Carpenter’s Ghosts Of Mars. I know I was. — Sean

Vanilla Sky
Directed by: Cameron Crowe
Written by: Cameron Crowe (screenplay), Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil
Starring: Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, Jason Lee

Cameron and Cameron? Cruise and Cruz? This is a rather strange coincidence, to be sure, and on the surface, Vanilla Sky might be seen as a rather strange movie. The thing is, when you sit down and peel back all the thick layers of imagery, the remaining core of the film is only as strange as you want it to be.

It is difficult to summarize the plot of Vanilla Sky without spoiling some surprises, so I will simply provide a vague overview. One thing I should mention up front: I can almost guarantee that the movie is not what you think it is.

Based on Alejandro Amenabar’s Spanish film “Abre Los Ojos” (Open Your Eyes), the film is billed as an “erotic thriller”, and yet sets itself up in the early stages as a modernized retelling of Citizen Kane. Tom Cruise plays David Aames, a spoiled rich kid who is left to run his father’s successful magazine after his parents die in an accident. Cruise is, of course, the perfect guy to play this role, full of charisma and an air of arrogance. His flawless good looks also serve to make a specific event later in the movie much more poignant and dramatic.

David has everything a guy could ask for, including a casual sex relationship with an attractive woman named Julie Gianni (Cameron Diaz). However, when David is introduced to Sofia (Penelope Cruz) by his best friend Brian (Jason Lee), he thinks he has found true love, in typical Cameron Crowe fashion. Unfortunately, Julie has become a little attached to Tommy Boy, and her jealousy leads to an extreme fit of rage that thrusts the movie into a confusing and schizophrenic journey along the line between fantasy and reality.

An analysis of this film cannot exist without discussion of the Cameron Crowe factor. Vanilla Sky is a Cameron Crowe movie. The screenplay was adapted by him, and the film was directed by him. Admittedly, the material is a bit of a departure for Crowe, who is best known for his tender, heart-warming films such as Jerry Maguire and Almost Famous, and yet, his fingerprints can still be seen all over Vanilla Sky.

First let me describe what I see as the three golden rules of Cameron Crowe filmmaking, all of which are painfully evident in this movie.

1. Fill the movie with lots of witty music references and a hip soundtrack to match.

Vanilla Sky contains an endless number of trivial music and pop culture in-jokes from Crowe, who refuses to let us forget that he was a former writer for Rolling Stone magazine. The soundtrack does feature some great music, but it is eclectic and jarring. It is admirable that Crowe puts a lot of effort into the backing music for his movies, but he’s no Quentin Tarantino; the music is all over the map, with no cohesive style or purpose.

2. Pull the camera in tight on the faces of the stars as often as possible.

By now we’ve seen that Cameron Crowe is a hopeless romantic, and his movies are basically all love stories. Vanilla Sky is similarly built around a love triangle, and we are treated accordingly to many, many excruciating close-ups of Tom Cruise grinning like a jackass, and Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz batting their eyelashes at him.

3. Whenever you come up with a particularly clever line of dialogue, repeat it to emphasize its brilliance.

I have started to notice that Crowe always has a few catch phrases in his movies that are often echoed in later scenes in an attempt to sound witty or resonant. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t, but in Vanilla Sky he ends up spoiling some of the film’s most important moments with his goofy banter.

It is understood that most directors have a distinctive style of their own; after all they are artists in their own right, and it is their vision that ultimately controls what we see on screen. However, it is also the director’s job to find the best way to immerse us in the story, without calling attention to how the film has been made. Many of Cameron Crowe’s idiosyncracies do not seem suited to this film, and come across as self-indulgent and distracting. Vanilla Sky seems like it wants to be darker in tone than he will allow.

On the upside, Vanilla Sky is nothing if not thought provoking. If you like a jigsaw puzzle of a movie, then you may enjoy trying to piece this one together. Unfortunately, you may also be disappointed when the puzzle becomes nearly impossible to decipher, and in the end must be spelled out by the director in an overly explicit fashion.

This is my biggest complaint about Vanilla Sky. After sitting through 2 hours of challenging storytelling, the conclusion does not pay off. The picture that results from the completed puzzle is not as impressive as the individual puzzle pieces were. The explanation of the movie’s schizophrenic nature comes completely out of left field (not unlike the ridiculous ending of A.I.), and while I am a fan of science fiction, the idea seemed a little too cold and fantastical to conclude a story centering on desires and passion.

The whole concept of illusion vs. reality is a tired and cliched theme for artsy movies, and in exploring it Crowe is just asking to look ridiculous. The worst way to short change a viewer is to threaten them with the possibility that the whole thing may be just a dream. The surreal and jarring segments of the film went on for too long, leaving us disoriented. The movie was ripe full of potent imagery, but it wasn’t really connected into any sort of meaningful message or theme. The movie becomes downright laughable at its literal and symbolic climax, and the movie’s finale, which takes place on the rooftop of a skyscraper, is rather fitting because by this point the movie has climbed well over most people’s heads.

Vanilla Sky is a mainstream movie trying to be artsy, or if you like, an artsy movie trying to be mainstream. In the end, it doesn’t achieve the goals of either.

As strange and different as the movie tries to be, it does not end up feeling original in the least. Countless other movies/stories were called to mind during the course of Vanilla Sky, including (but not limited to) Total Recall, The Game, The Matrix, Eyes Wide Shut, American Psycho, Citizen Kane, A.I., Fight Club, Phantom Of The Opera, and Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.

My appreciation of the movie might well be improved through a second viewing, but I just can’t convince myself that it will be anymore rewarding a second time through. Mostly I am now curious as to how the original movie played out. I suspect that it is a much more fully realized film, making Vanilla Sky nothing more than an unnecessary and inferior knockoff of a foreign film, catering to the anti-subtitle audience. Well nuts to that, and nuts to Vanilla Sky. — Sean