Moonwalker
Directed by: Jim Blashfield, Colin Chilvers, Jerry Kramer
Written by: Michael Jackson, David Newman
Starring: Michael Jackson, Joe Pesci, Sean Lennon

Years ago I owned a fine Sega Genesis video game knownas “Moonwalker”. In this game, Michael Jackson isdressed in ’30s garb and battles street thugs,mobsters and corpses with those magical feet of his.Always followed by a trail of stardust and with atwinkle in his eye, Michael takes the enemy down oneby one.

How excited was I to find out recently that Moonwalkerwas not only a great video game, that it wasoriginally a movie used to promote “Bad”! Well, I dontknow if you can call it a movie so much as acollection of music videos with a short film in themiddle, but still. You can find it in the musicsection at your local video store, if you are solucky. I assure you, the entertainment value is muchgreater than the $3.99 my girlfriend paid for it. Ilook forward to watching it again and again.

The video begins with a little history lesson,following young Michael through his youth, with audioclips of classics such as “ABC”, “Ben” and otherfavorites. Guided along his journey are plenty of bad80s effects and plastic surgery. Unless you are ahuge Michael fan, this is the least exciting part ofthe tape. However you can see dazzling visuals like aspinning white glove, which I think we all wish wouldcome out of retirement sooner rather than later.

Business picks up with a remake of the “Bad” videoentitled “Badder”, starring a variety of midgets andchild actors. The kid who plays Michael resemblesLittle Richie from “Family Matters”. the other kidshave beards and tattoos drawn on them. After thisvideo begins a sequence where a claymation bunnyMichael, who i refer to as Bicheal, is chased by fansacross the world. This sequence had me laughing till Icried.

It is after this that the “movie” begins. In thistouching film, Michael and some young children gallopthrough the forest, only to discover a secret hideoutwhere Joe Pesci (sporting a ponytail that stands erectlike some kind of furry sasquatch penis) is plottingto take over the world by selling drugs to children.Fortunately, Michael is there, and he has the abilityto transform into a robot and shoot missles at them,as well as run away by turning into a car. It isfunny to see a young Sean Lennon molested, I mean,rescued by Michael, who I forgot to mention issecretly a spaceship from another planet. Don’t youworry, Michael isnt “phoning home” anytime soon. Hecares for his kids, and a heartwarming finale iswaiting for you, but only if you take this masterpiecehome with you today. — The Pretentious Goon