d.b.s - If Life Were A Result We’d All Be Dead
(Crap Records)

This 9 song cd is described by d.b.s. as the “missing link” between their I Is For Insignificant and Some Boys Got It Most Men Don’t albums. I’d have to say that the songs lean more towards Some Boys Got It in terms of sound, and that is a very good thing.

Following in the usual d.b.s. bizarre naming conventions, this album compiles the 3 songs from the When The Meek Get Pinched The Bold Survive 7″, along with 6 songs that were supposed to appear on some 7″s that were never saw the light of day. This is not just a collection of sub par songs however, in actuality it contains some of the best material this band has ever written.

The music is an invigorating blend of emotional and intelligent lyrics, high speed drumming mixed with jagged guitars. The sound is raw and chaotic for the most part, but behind the screaming and the distortion there are moments of poppy tenderness. Awww, how cute. Anyone who recognized the brilliance of Some Boys Got It will need to have this cd in their collection as well. — Sean

Scooby Doo’s Classic Creep Capers (N64)
Published by: THQ

I’ve always thought that the Scooby Doo franchise could be the basis for a really good video game (or series of video games). It could be perfect for a cartoony puzzle/adventure game or maybe it could even provide a new twist to the survival horror genre.

There have been attempts in the past to make games based on Scooby Doo, and of course, they have all been horrible. Horrible I tell you! But still, I cling to that faint hope that maybe one day someone will get it right. Someone who is not just throwing together some crappy game that they think will sell itself by name alone. Someone who was maybe even a fan of the TV show, and who knows a little bit about designing video games.

Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much here, but I simply couldn’t resist renting this game. Also needless to say, I was let down yet again. This game is pretty pitiful, and I couldn’t really stand to play it for long.

They had the right approach with this game. They attempted to make a mystery/adventure game, with the storylines based on some classic Scooby Doo episodes.

You control Shaggy as you and Scooby walk around looking for clues and then report back to the rest of the gang. You have to avoid spooky monsters along the way, or your courage meter will fall to zero and you and Scoob will “fly the coop” so to speak. Luckily, you can pick up Scooby snacks along the way to replenish your courage meter. Don’t ask me how the Scooby snacks got littered all over the place like that though. It’s not like the consequences of losing all your courage are all that dramatic anyways. It just means you start over again from outside of one of the rooms you were just in.

The objective is to gather enough clues to solve the mystery, and then gather up some items to create a trap for the bad guy. At least they incorporated some of the classic elements of the show. Too bad it’s so boring doing it.

The graphics are pretty nice looking, I will give them that. The spooky scenery and the cartoony characters look great in 3-d.

The sounds, well, they aren’t all that amazing. You get to hear the occasional exclamation from Scooby, but the rest of the speech is done through dialog boxes. The music is not bad, but I think the music in the SNES Scooby Doo game was better.

Anyways, the way I see it, this game has two main downfalls, the first being the fact that it is a totally dumbed down game for kids. (I guess this is to be expected, but I still don’t understand why they don’t try to market Scooby Doo nostalgia to the people who grew up with the show, rather than forcefeed it to a new generation of kids who don’t really get it.)

The mysteries are not really mysteries at all. The puzzles are completely linear. I’m sure you know the type. Find object A. Use object A. Find object B. Use object B. It’s like “Okay Shaggy, find us a way to get in that window”. Hmm… there is a ladder on the screen too, I wonder what we can use that for?

The second downfall of this game is a big one. It is the reason that I could not stand to play it for very long. The controls are just terrible. As you explore the different areas, the camera angles change quite frequently. Each time a camera angle changes, the controls usually change as well. So if you are just trying to walk in one direction, once the camera angle changes, you can’t just keep holding down that same direction, because suddenly that moves you in a different, unexpected direction. I never said that designing play control for a 3-d game was easy, but hell, if they had anyone at all play testing it, they should have known it was extremely frustrating, and pretty damn near unplayable. Plus, it is an important part of the game too. You need to avoid various obstacles during your exploration, and not only are the positions hard to judge in 3-d, but with play control this bad, it’s game over. It also doesn’t help that Scooby follows you around aimlessly and often gets in your way as you are trying to walk! It’s the type of thing that would have a lesser man hurling his controller at the wall in agony.

Another strange annoyance in the game is that any time your characters make use of an inventory item, or take some sort of action that requires the characters to animate, the screen usually temporarily fades out and the fades back in. It’s very disorienting, and frankly, I don’t see why it is necessary.

I guess overall, I’d have to say this game just lacks fun. Even with the control problems and the cheesy puzzles, I would probably have sat through at least part of the game if it was amusing in any way. But it’s not. You don’t get any sort of reward for finding clues or escaping the bad guys. If the game had a sense of humour, or a slightly nostalgic feel to it, it could be somewhat worthwhile. The few attempts at humour are pretty embarassing.

I don’t think I really need to go on bashing this game, and in fact, many people are wondering why I even wasted my time renting it, much less reviewing it. But hey, who knows, it is possible that one day someone like Lucasarts will get a hold of the licensing for this game and make a hilarious Monkey Island-esque adventure game for the old school Scooby Doo fan. And only then will anyone realize just how fun a Scooby Doo video game could be. As long as crap like this continues to be produced, the Scooby Doo franchise is going to be digging its own grave, and I will be poised over the toilet as I vomit profusely. Ewww. — Sean

Moonwalker
Directed by: Jim Blashfield, Colin Chilvers, Jerry Kramer
Written by: Michael Jackson, David Newman
Starring: Michael Jackson, Joe Pesci, Sean Lennon

Years ago I owned a fine Sega Genesis video game knownas “Moonwalker”. In this game, Michael Jackson isdressed in ’30s garb and battles street thugs,mobsters and corpses with those magical feet of his.Always followed by a trail of stardust and with atwinkle in his eye, Michael takes the enemy down oneby one.

How excited was I to find out recently that Moonwalkerwas not only a great video game, that it wasoriginally a movie used to promote “Bad”! Well, I dontknow if you can call it a movie so much as acollection of music videos with a short film in themiddle, but still. You can find it in the musicsection at your local video store, if you are solucky. I assure you, the entertainment value is muchgreater than the $3.99 my girlfriend paid for it. Ilook forward to watching it again and again.

The video begins with a little history lesson,following young Michael through his youth, with audioclips of classics such as “ABC”, “Ben” and otherfavorites. Guided along his journey are plenty of bad80s effects and plastic surgery. Unless you are ahuge Michael fan, this is the least exciting part ofthe tape. However you can see dazzling visuals like aspinning white glove, which I think we all wish wouldcome out of retirement sooner rather than later.

Business picks up with a remake of the “Bad” videoentitled “Badder”, starring a variety of midgets andchild actors. The kid who plays Michael resemblesLittle Richie from “Family Matters”. the other kidshave beards and tattoos drawn on them. After thisvideo begins a sequence where a claymation bunnyMichael, who i refer to as Bicheal, is chased by fansacross the world. This sequence had me laughing till Icried.

It is after this that the “movie” begins. In thistouching film, Michael and some young children gallopthrough the forest, only to discover a secret hideoutwhere Joe Pesci (sporting a ponytail that stands erectlike some kind of furry sasquatch penis) is plottingto take over the world by selling drugs to children.Fortunately, Michael is there, and he has the abilityto transform into a robot and shoot missles at them,as well as run away by turning into a car. It isfunny to see a young Sean Lennon molested, I mean,rescued by Michael, who I forgot to mention issecretly a spaceship from another planet. Don’t youworry, Michael isnt “phoning home” anytime soon. Hecares for his kids, and a heartwarming finale iswaiting for you, but only if you take this masterpiecehome with you today. — The Pretentious Goon

The Binge - Il Cattivo
(Independent)

The sixth full length album from local indie rockers (The) Binge takes them into exciting new territory. Il Cattivo bares little resemblance stylistically to any of the band’s previous recordings, but still captures the same lo-fi, do-it-yourself spirit. They have chosen to reject all vocal obligations to concentrate strictly on creating guitar based instrumental rock. They’ve certainly done their homework, and you’ve got to give them credit for drawing their influences from some of the masters of the genre such as Link Wray, The Ventures, and Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet.

Most of the songs are fairly short and to the point, but they do not fall into the trap of repetitiveness and predictability that one often finds in surfy instrumentals. Songs like “The Night The World Exploded” have a raw, fuzzy rock and roll edge, while “Tailpipe” and “America” come across as slightly more polished and melodic pieces. Then there are songs that are just plain bizarre, like “Pure Wicked” with its chunky, off beat chaos, and “It is Bark” which has a slight country feel, and nicely incorporates the use of chimes. Driven by dual guitars and held together by a powerful and tight rhythm section, The Binge have a great sense of when to turn it up loud and when to hold back.

Il Cattivo is an impressive album, and definitely one local release that I feel no shame in recommending highly. — Sean