Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park
Directed by: Gordon Hessler
Written by: Don Buday, Jan Michael Sherman
Starring: Kiss, Deborah Ryan

Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park is a made for TV movie from 1978 ranks right up there with the Star Wars Holiday Special as an absolute abomination that probably should never have been produced.I’m sure it looked good on paper and all that, but I’m willing to bet that Kiss want to see this thing buried just as much as George Lucas wants to see the Holiday Special buried. With that being said, you know that it’s must-see material.

The cool thing about the movie is that unlike a movie such as Detroit Rock City, for example, this is not just a movie based around Kiss. The band members actually star in it!Thankfully, it was released on video at some point by HGV video, so if you’re lucky, your local video store just might have it sitting on the shelves somewhere.

As the story opens, we see many people having the time of their life at an amusement park. It just so happens, that we also see signs and posters that tell us that Kiss is going to be performing at the park later that night. Soon we are introduced to the owner of the park, and the engineer/scientist who is responsible for designing most of the equipment in the park. The scientist seems to have an obsession with creating life-like androids, and for some reason, he’s not a big fan of Kiss. Ultimately, this leads to his dismissal, and so of course, he vows to have his revenge on Kiss by building 4 evil android replicas of Kiss.

There are a few “subplots” to the movie, if you can call them that. A young couple are enjoying their day at the park, when the boyfriend disappears. So the girl wanders around the park aimlessly trying to find him.

There are also 3 young hoodlums that are walking around the park stirring up trouble. Their names are Chopper, Slime and Dirty Dee. They are the best.

Basically, the first 20 or 30 minutes are pretty slow and boring, and only serve to stretch out the movie so that they could bring in more advertising money I suppose. Fortunately, things really pick up once the members of Kiss are introduced.

Now, you may not realize it, but each of the members of Kiss actually has super powers, granted to them by 4 secret talismen. (Without them they are just ordinary humans, who lack the power to rock.) Gene Simmons (The Demon) can breathe fire, and often lets out these dubbed growls that sound like the evil demon from Ghostbusters, Paul Stanley (Star Child) can shoot beams out of his eyes, Ace Frehley (Space Ace) can teleport, and Peter Criss (Cat Man)… well I’m not sure what he can do.

Throughout the next section of the movie, Kiss encounter the girl, and realize that she in trouble. (”I sense you are looking for something, and it is not Kiss!”) So of course they agree to help her find her boyfriend.

At this point, the movie feels like a mixture of Scooby Doo and the original Batman series. The 70’s funk soundtrack also brings to mind various cop films, and the fight scenes are way too funny. They are very poorly choreographed, and totally cheesy. Kiss look really awkward and feminine in their huge costumes and make-up, and it just doesn’t mix well with their battles against strange monkeys, kung fu masters and androids.

As if all this hilarity wasn’t enough, the movie is also interspersed with pseudo-live concert footage of them performing such hits as Shout It Out Loud, Rock N Roll All Night, and I Stole Your Love.

At the climax of the movie, we are also treated to the evil androids performing a song entitled “Rip and Destroy” (to the tune of Hotter Than Hell), which was intended to brainwash the audience and start a riot in the amusement park. Classic stuff!!

The thing that makes this movie great is that the members of Kiss are really bad actors. There are also lots of cheesy visual effects used for their super powers. Then there is the matter of their voices. Gene Simmons has a weird distortion put on his voice to try and make him sound demonic, but it just ends up making him unintelligible at points. Peter Criss had his voice dubbed (possibly to cover up his lisp?). Perhaps the most puzzling thing about this movie however is the fact that Ace Frehley always talks in this high pitched voice and makes this annoying laugh that sounds like one of the Three Stooges.

If I haven’t convinced you by now that this movie is worth checking out, then I don’t know what else I could possibly say. Kiss are one of the most fun rock n roll bands out there, and I give them props just for trying something like this. Sure, it didn’t turn out as well as they might have hoped, but that just makes it even better. This is one classic movie that I hope will never be forgotten by the ravages of time. — Sean