End Of Days
Directed by: Peter Hyams
Written by: Andrew W. Marlowe
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Kevin Pollak

When the preview for End of Days first came out, I was getting pretty pumped up for opening day. Finally, here was a comedy that would wipe away the tears of shame that I had shed earlier in the year. Tears shed from such dismal attempts at humour found in such boring movies as “Austin Powers 2″ and… something else. The makers of End of Days were billing the movie as a religious action movie. I saw clear through this charade though and came to recognize the movie as an intellectual farce where Arnie had at last come of age as a comedic genius.

A remark made by my scriptwriting professor saying that the movie was worth seeing just to see Arnold cry only enforced my earlier suspicions. However, I was wrong.

When I went to see the film at a local two dollar theatre, I was given the privilege of seeing one of Arnold’s worst performances to date. How sad. In the movie, Arnold plays a washed up cop that has lost his wife and daughter. Due to this unfortunate “Act of God”, Arnold loses his faith and takes the whole situation personally against the Big Guy. As the end of the millennium approaches, the Devil himself is released unto the earth from his thousand year prison and understandably is quite horny. For some reason not totally explained, the situation has it that if the Devil lays this one chick, then he’ll finally defeat God and get to rule all of creation. Now I know sex is a profound and powerful experience, but this powerful?? I think not. However, I was willing to play along just to see Arnold go head to head with Satan himself in a climatic battle of the souls whose outcome was determined by the fate of this one woman. Basically, Satan had to screw her to win . That in itself should have been worth a couple of laughs.

Instead, the movie dragged on in uninspiring religious discussions and pointless action sequences that turned priests into hit men and Arnie into a big softie that the Devil could have squashed in the first thirty minutes if this were real life. However, this wasn’t real life. As usual, Arnie got to shine in the end but he projected a pale shadow of his former self. I barely recognized him.

Gone were the amusing traditional Arnie one-liners other then a quip here or there. Gone were the impossible feats of superhuman prowess that Arnold showered unto the audience until you could only laugh at their absolute ridicule. Even the accent seemed a little less Austrian sounding then usual.

I must say that my final conclusion for End of Days was a drooping thumbs down. The movie did not inspire any religious bone in my body. [Note from Sean: Do you mean you gave it a bone down?] I am also afraid to say that this may be the beginning of the end for Mr. Schwarzenegger’s motion picture career. Perhaps he should quietly leave the set now and move on to his much rumored political career.

If Arnold ever becomes president, then and only then will I have the faith again to say “God help us all”. — Peter Meneguzzi

The Causey Way - With Open and Loving Arms
(Alternative Tentacles)

The Causey Way is not a cult. They are cult rockers. This is their latest release, and I think their first full length. The Causey Way are a very mysterious and very original band from Florida. They have a very Devo-influenced sound; heavily synth-laden pop music with kick ass rock and roll energy and the high-pitched frenzied vocals provided by Causey Himself. The band also features members of Servotron and Man or Astro-man? The lyrics are deeply philosophical, deeply spiritual, and deeply strange. When you are through with this album you will feel enlightened and thoroughly cleansed of all your past musical sins. — Sean

Snow Day
Directed by: Chris Koch
Written by: Will McRobb, Chris Viscardi
Starring: Chevy Chase, Chris Elliot

On a snow day, anything can happen. And let’s be honest folks, in a Nickelodeon film, anything can and does happen. Well we tried to round up our posse to go out and watch this great flick, but for some reason everyone was bailing on us. “Snow Day??! Who wants to see THAT piece of crap??!” We do, mofo’s! As it turns out, the non-believers missed out, cause this movie was hung like a horse.

First of all, and most importantly, Chris Elliot is back!!! Playing the movie’s evil villain, the deranged Snowplow Man, Elliot definitely had a role he could sink his bad teeth into.

In the vein of many great Nickelodeon films, the movie is filled with washed up actors (Chevy Chase, the blonde woman from Designing Women, Pam Grier), bad jokes, strange cameos (Chili from TLC, Iggy Pop), and a predictable plot. Also let’s not forget the movie’s strongest aspect: the limitless sexual undertones.

The story starts when everyone wakes up in the morning to find snow covering the ground. Or as the meteologists like to call it “the white stuff”. From here we engage the characters on a hilarious romp through a winter wonderland full of sex, drugs and blue camoflauge. Of course, if you’ve seen a Nickelodeon movie before, you know who some of those characters are going to be. First of all, there’s the fat kid who farts a lot. There’s the black kid who talks cool and comes up with all the ideas while the white chick steals the credit. There’s the cute younger brother who terrorizes his mom and bangs his head against walls. There is the principal that all the kids abuse with snowballs. There’s the cock-throb chick that every guy in the city wants to go out with. There’s her nazi blonde hair blue eyes bully boyfriend who beats everyone up. (Hell, he even looked like the singer from d.b.s. - wasn’t Snowball on the soundtrack?) And then there’s Chevy Chase. Although Snow Day stole many ideas from the classic film Home Alone, it still managed to come across as fresh, exciting and a thoroughly energizing movie experience.

Anyone who thinks that Snow Day is a kid’s movie needs only to look at the vast number of sexual references to realize how hip it really is. Sometimes, the sex just hits you right in the face, like it does when the object of our main character’s affections, Claire, appears in every scene wearing a tight top with her pert nipples poking through to say hello. It was no strange coincidence my friends, and in fact I’m willing to bet it was carefully engineered for every scene that she was in. The movie was also a pedophile/S&M lover’s dream, as Chris Elliot’s character is tied up and tortured by hundreds of kids in tight snowsuits. They even hint at a little incest towards the end when the main character asks his sister if she will be busy on the next snow day. You know Chevy Chase sums it up best when he exclaims, “The beaver is nice!”

The coolest cameo appearance was from none other than the Iggster (or was it Henry Rollins?), playing the part of the DJ at the local skating rink, kicking out Backstreet Boys tunes, while wearing a neck brace and cleaning graffiti off of walls. I think he only signed on to do this movie because he got to deliver great lines like “Metallica sucks”.

Nickelodeon also continues to do a great job of promoting their amazing product Gak through their films, this time using the Gak mixed with a snowball as the weapon that takes down the Snowplow Man. Hey, it was either that or the Moon Ball.

My personal favourite part of the movie was when the 40 year old stunt double stands in for a 12 year old kid when he is supposed to be strapped to the front of the snowplow. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the scene was executed with skill and precision, but it was all just a little ridiculous. I mean, why should a 40 year old actor risk his life for some fat kid?

Overall, I have to say that this flick was honestly a lot of fun. No matter what you’re looking for in a movie, you can’t go wrong with Snow Day. This movie was nice, and so was the beaver. — Sean

d.b.s. - Some Boys Got It, Most Men Don’t
(New Disorder)

These guys have come a long way since their days of wearing matching striped t-shirts. d.b.s. are no longer a simple three-chord pop-punk band, and they are no longer 14 years old. Some Boys Got It, Most Men Don’t is their fifth full length release, and I would argue their strongest yet.

To say they have matured is a bit of a cop out. They have been changing and evolving with every record, and now I think it’s safe to say they have found their niche. On this album, they have clearly been influenced by a lot of the emo and hardcore bands on Jade Tree Records, such as Lifetime, Kid Dynamite, and The Promise Ring. Some of the songs are more artsy and poetic, while others are just as angry and political as ever. All are emotional, and all are intense.

At first listen it is painfully obvious that they are trying really hard to achieve the “emo” sound, with the whiny vocals, the discordant guitar, and the mellow to aggressive transitions. But they have managed to keep it sounding like d.b.s. Their music has a raw, sloppy sound that has almost become their trademark. They are slowly blossoming into one of Canada’s finest punk bands, and this cd is highly recommended. — Sean